*November 4th*

A good thing to do sometimes, is to examine the age of your child now, and compare this with what was happening to you when you were that age. What I'm referring to is a possible kind of an "anniversary of trauma" in your own life. The human being is quite complex, and our behaviors and reactions can be effected by much more than we sometimes realize.

Is your child 3, 5, 12 or 14? Any age really. ... Were you abandoned or abused in any of a number ways in your history as a child? Do you see that the age of your child is the age of what you were then? If so, do not be surprised if you discover that you're reacting in isolating behavior or rage, different than you normally would, when your sons or daughters are at those times of their young development as you were. (I have found this to be true, not only in my own life as a parent, but also in the lives of a number fine people I have counseled through the years.)

What are you to do if you draw this comparison and find it valid? Well, you can apologize to your child. Speak frankly. When your son or daughter is age appropriate, explain to him or her the events that occurred around you when you were at that age. Thank them that you have the opportunity now to give your children more than you had when you were their age. What I mean is more love, more safety, more understanding and more guidance in a spirit of patience. It's interesting how kids respond to this kind of very real and very honest communication from their mom or dad.

(For the record, I'm not saying you should grabble, weep or beg for your kid's approval. No, absolutely not. Only practice such honorable amount of confession with your young one, then resume confidently and appropriately as his or her parent.)

Remember, there "can" be "anniversaries of trauma" that happen in your life. These echoes from the past can effect you more than you sometimes realize. Contemplate the connections to your own behaviors when they happen in relation to your children. Oh, and gratefully, thank God that our sons and daughters will have opportunity to witness your honesty. Surely this is a noble effort of modeling by a loving parent.

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]