*October 31st*

Parents in the Parent Team Intervention Program eventually find that behavior starts to change in their children the longer they participate in the program.. This brings to the dad, mom or guardian an interesting challenge. When children have been dominant, angry, rude even illegal in their actions in the past, and when change starts happen in the process of intervention, those very children, at some point, start to appear weak, - even vulnerable.

This is a time when it is necessary that the parent in the PTI program restrain from an instinct to race to "Rescue" the child from the experience of weakness. Experiencing vulnerability, the child realizing that the world does not operate on the terms that child has previously insisted, is a necessary stage on the path of that child's development, healing and growth. An event of a parent "swooping-in-to-save-the-child-from-experiencing-his-or-her-own-consequences," might seem innocent in the beginning, but robs the young one of the much awaited activity of learning.

Remember mom, remember dad, this is what you've wanted for a long time. That your child realize that the world in which you operate as his or her mother or father, is a world where things do not always go the way we want!

Be the "Director of your kid's intervention." Follow the coaching of the therapist. Rest and trust in the team dynamic of parents who have been there for you, and know how you feel because they've been there too. Trust God. Pray with confidence. Recall "it takes a system to change a system." Your struggle is not so much against your child, than it is "a struggle against a system that supports your child in his or her defiance." When you are a part of a "team", being a part of that team changes everything. It is then when every problem is in fact not a problem, but actually an opportunity.

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI.
... (Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT)]

*October 16th*

Without faith in a power greater than myself, I am like a storm-tossed ship without a rudder. I am flung from one trouble to another; however bravely I may battle the elements, my own strength and wisdom are not enough.

All of us need something to cling to with absolute confidence. If I have been disillusioned by disappointments, or have been let down by someone I trusted, it makes me feel as though I were alone and vulnerable in a hostile world.

I will not deprive myself of God's help and guidance. I see it at work in the PTIP program, as we share knowledge, courage and hope with one another. Confidence and dignity are restored to us by the knowledge that we are God's children.

Today's Reminder
If my faith has been dimmed by disappointment, I can begin to regain it by clinging to a spiritual idea like the one expressed in the Serenity Prayer. This living philosophy will give me a secure foundation of faith.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI,
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC]

*October 15th*

One day at a school where young children attended, it was recognized that the students gravitated to one area of the playground for recess. Finally a fence was erected as a border around the field for play. Then, and because of this, every time the bell rang, children would pour out for recess to all regions of the field, - the field the children once occupied only partly.

The same is true of the children we parent. Yes, some of our kids are easy to raise. But others, well, they make themselves out to be quite a challenge!

But here is a truth, a psychology if you will, that is so easy to go by unnoticed. The more a kid struggles against you, to that extent and to that extreme extent, that young one is afraid on the inside and wants you to win them over with strength, love, patience and truth.

Its like the playground at the schoolhouse analogy. Once the children knew where to go, once the boundaries were built and put in place, they went where they were told to go and did so freely joyfully!

But let's be clear, when it comes to children acting-out, using drugs, and defying you in a host of ways, as a parent, you will have to be strong, loving, patient and never give up on speaking the truth. Then, and only then, strange as it may seem, the more your son or daughter resists you, the more he or she kicks and screams in their hatred, to that extent your young desires you not to stop! (A strange paradox, isn't it!!!)

The other day I sang by his request at a young man's wedding. In all my years of working with children, no young person ever hated me more than this guy! Years later though, because I was strong, consistent and right in my team-effort with parents to hold him accountable, the teen grew up to be a husband and father, with a sacred respect for me as his one time counselor and friend.

I've seen this many times. Not only with myself, but with a great number of parents who persevered until they found love and respect in the eyes of their one time rebellious children. I mean, young men and women thanking us later for believing in them and not giving up!

You can do the same. I'm convinced of this.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

*October 14th*

Things are different now than they were 50 or 60 years ago. Back then, relatives lived near each other. Uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents were communities in city and country. Everybody knew one another. Everyone was family, and elders were respected without question. Because of this, when someones kid got out of hand and into trouble, the neighborhood of relatives backed each other, speaking for the kid's parents, or standing in the gap in their stead.

Now we're divided. - Parents, and sometimes a single dad or a single mom, is left to figure out the complexities of children these days, - alone, in a house with blinds closed and no witnesses.

Something is lost in today's individualism. Too often moms and dads stand as islands against angry behavior of children. Yes, there are accounts of parents abusing children, and this is sad, it is wrong, - but what of the events of children abusing moms and dads? A growing phenomenon in our time. Nagging, picking, verbally abusing and ungrateful!!! Cursing, demanding their way, and locking themselves in their rooms if they don't get what they want! ... Children who have everything, yet demand more and more. ... Never satisfied. Arrogant.

More parents than we wish to admit, in city after city, undergo torment from offspring they love deeply. When the problem of parents being abused by kids is discussed, its usually to conclude there's something wrong with the parents. The wrong behavior of children is called "A cry for help!"

But what of cases where this is not true? Fathers and mothers who are responsible people; own businesses, work hard, pay bills and keep food on the table? What if there is something wrong with "society" instead, that divides, conquers and analyses! What if many parents in this situation are normal; - only they are reacting in ways normal people do. Having their hearts ripped out inside them, and being blamed as the reason for it happening!

Maybe the old-timers had it right. Could it be with all our talk, and effort to change what has worked for centuries, we now "miss the forest for the trees?" ... Could it be that it was never meant that a parent should raise a child alone? ... Does it not make sense that when a dad or a mom tells a son or daughter what to do or not do, it is most effective for others who are adults to rise up and say, "Child, young one, listen to your parents, they love you, and they know what they're talking about for your own personal wellbeing!"

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

*October 13th*

Do you ever feel you're not a good parent? ... Do you find yourself looking at your child sometimes, and wonder where have you gone wrong? Do you sometimes conclude in your thinking that your kid's misbehavior and sometimes defiance is your fault? "Maybe I've been too hard on him," you reason with yourself. Or, "Possibly I've not been hard enough!"

The point in this reading today is, "Begin where you are in this moment, regardless of what has happened before. God has not only given you your child to parent, but He also gives you what you need, moment-by-moment, so that you "can" parent your child.

Without forgiveness as a cool soothing cream to apply gently on ourselves, there is no way we can parent our children effectively in the manner we must.

Did a while ago anger, doubt, fear or impatience surge from your lips in the heat of a moment? Then welcome the next moment. It is new. The one you are in now. View it as an opportunity to be what you can be then. Take into yourself the love, patience and forgiveness God gives you from Himself. Remember, He is a Parent too. Knowing this, you can pass this love, patience and forgiveness to your son or daughter afresh and anew.

Forgive yourself. You "are" a good enough parent. Don't let unnecessary guilt take your strength away.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

*October 12th*

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)

Is this statement from the Bible true? Based on what we see today, it is easy to believe that this well known and much studied verse is out of date, insignificant, and has entirely lost its influence.

Let me tell you now, this profound psychological principal embedded in scripture, remains valid today. It is more true today than perhaps ever before.

Then why are we losing confidence in this ancient proverb? For what reason have we "lost touch" with this vital principle, as we as well-meaning parents, search for ways to raise our children?

It is because, in many families, it is the "children" who are training "parents" in how "they", the children, wish to be raised!

A child can "turn-the-tables" on his or her parents. A mom and a dad can "think" they are parenting when they're not! A child can "parent the parents" on how to parent. All this, remarkably, while the child, not even for a second, assumes no responsibility to respect the needs and wishes of others.

There are many ways this is accomplished in homes. For now let me ask you, do you ever become "weary" of the fight? Do you ever just "give-in" to the demands of your son or daughter, just so there can be some "peace" at the end of the day? Then your child, regardless of age or weight beyond infancy, is using "shere fatigue", your fatigue, to train you in how he (or she) will be parented.

There are many other tricks used against parents to rob you of your empowerment as a parent. Not only from children, but also from the society we live in. ... More on this later. ...

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT

*October 11th*

In the "Parent Team Intervention Program" we believe that when a kid shows basic respect and honor to his parents or guardians, he or she is "protected" under that parental "umbrella of authority." One example of this is when a child continues angry defiance against parents, that child is left to depend upon his or her own "reasoning" to "make sense of the world."

All adults understand how confusing matters of the world can be. Think of how that is like for s newly maturing mind of a child or teenager. Because of this, when a son or daughter gives basic respect to the thoughts and feelings of his or her parents, that child can trust that the adults in charge in the family know best what decisions and actions are best for the problems in the world. Then, for the periods of childhood and adolescence, the young one has the luxury and safety to not "worry" about such complicated and profound matters. Instead he or she need only experience childhood and adolescence with all its enjoyments and opportunities as they happen daily towards personal growth.

"What about the war in Iraq," ... "World hunger", ... "Who will be our country's next president, and what will happen when that president is elected?" A child who has reasonable respect for mom and dad need not worry about such matters, for he or she knows decisions of this kind can be trusted to the more experienced intellects of father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, teacher, principal, pastor or priest.

Basically, if a child thinks his parents are "stupid", then that child's mind has no alternative but to default to solving major problems in life "alone" intellectually, before he has acquired coping skills to do so. This subtle, but stressful, mental experience is enough to drive any kid to anger, depression, drugs, fighting, arguing, defiance and many other bad decisions and behaviors.

Let's return to realizing the great honor of being a parent in our childrens' lives. And if they defy our healthy judgment, may we remember the valuable, God-given position we occupy.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
(Supervised by Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT)

*October 10th*

The role of victim is all too familiar to many of us. We've done the act, and we've done it well! Yes, we've been treated unjustly, - or we've thought we have. As a result, we have passively waited for circumstances to change. This we've done with the bottle, with the pills, or by blaming others for what has been our feelings and attitudes. Nothing was our fault. We were willing participants to victimization. This is not easy to accept, but is true nonetheless.

Now we choose to not be victims. Victims make bullies. Victims make bullies the kind of bullies victims want them to be. ... A bully will move from room to room. As he does so, that bully becomes the kind of bully each room full of victims want him to be. - Then who makes who?

Depression, and remaining helpless, may be what we think about often, but they need not become our state of mind. The answer is, and always will be, responsible action in taking management of our lives and what we expect from others.

Today stretches before me an unknown quantity. Concerns will crowd upon me, but guidance regarding the best action to take, one moment at a time, is within my power by the grace of God.

[By Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI (Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MFT)]

*October 9th*

Philosophers, clear back to the ancient Greeks, have always made much of the idea of correcting bad habits by daily practice of good ones. We cannot go on functioning as we have been, impulsively and automatically, if we hope to improve our lives.

If we really want peace of mind, the first thing we must know is that it does not depend on conditions "outside" us, but conditions that are "inside" us. An honest look at our own motives may show that we relish our martyrdom, or that we fear subconsciously that we deserve the pain we create.

When we find the causes of our distress and frustration, we can establish correcting habits to overcome them.

Today's Reminder
A program of self-recognition and self-change "reads easy", but "does hard." Many failures come from trying to do too much too fast, and from expecting results overnight. I will search out just one fault, one bad habit, and work to eliminate that one. As I observe the changes this effort brings about in my outside circumstances, I will find the courage to keep on changing myself for the better. This, in turn, will also influence for the better both my spouse and children.

"It is no easy thing for a principle to become a man's own, unless each day he maintain it and work it out in his life." (Epictetus)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 8th*

You can help yourself, no matter how great your burdens and troubles are. You might think: "Easy to say, but you don't know what "I'm" going through!"

Applying a little sensible realism to this, let me ask myself whether I'm not building up trifles into monstrosities that "seem" unbearable. Most of us do, at some time or other. We may magnify disagreements about money for instance. We expand minor slights into huge grievances. Without realizing it, we're looking for trouble and are ready to fasten onto little things that we could easily pass over if we really wanted our own peace of mind.

Today's Reminder
If I don't make big problems out of little ones, I can save myself much grief. Fighting for my "rights" often creates more difficulty than accepting less than I expect. If I really value my serenity, I will avoid making big issues out of small ones. Giving in, and letting go, becomes easier as I practice it, and it pays big dividends in my own inner satisfaction.

"Why are you troubled because things do not succeed with you according to your desire? Who is there who has all things according to his will? Neither I, nor you, nor any man upon earth."
(Thomas A'Kempis)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 7th*

We hear many warnings against harboring resentment. It is a rare person who does not yield to resentment when he or she feels wronged by someone. We can resent our fate, our bad luck, our lot in life.

No amount of self-discipline can heal us of resentment. Sometimes it seems the more we struggle against it, resentment gains its very strength from our struggle. Resentment sneaks up on us, surging like a dark sickness into the mind, plunging our emotions into turmoil.

We know it's destructive; we may earnestly want to free ourselves from it. What can we do?

First we think of our own personal good. Does it hurt the person we are resenting? Or does it hurt us? Then we reflect that this damaging combination of emotion and bad logic, comes from "not understanding its cause." Let's dissect it and find out what, inside us, gives resentment its overwhelming power.

Today's Reminder
I have no room for resentment in my life. I will not fight it with grim determination. Instead I will pull back from this impulse, "Easy does it", and give no place to resenting one day at a time in God's strength. ... The best antidote for resentment is the continual practice of gratitude."

"Nothing on earth consumes a man more completely than the passion of resentment." (Friedrick Nietzsche)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 6th*

Sometimes we each can appear that we have our thoughts, our emotions, our "lives" in order. But it can happen that others can see rather quickly that this smugness can be only "skin deep." The test is when we are crossed, disappointed or annoyed. The real untamed faults will then come through, and in our anger, we might not recognize the wrong in ourselves.

When we make only superficial changes in the way we cope in the world, and give only ardent lip service to what we learn, our progress is slow and our return to old ways are many. The regeneration we seek must involve true spiritual change. Change that must run deep, with each character flaw inside us replaced by a new and good quality.

Today's Reminder
I must be completely honest with myself in uncovering the faults which hamper my decisions, my behavior, and my spiritual growth. One by one, watchfully and painstakingly, I will replace them with constructive coping skills and attitudes.

"Men imagine they communicate their virtue - only by overt actions and words. They do not see that virtue, or its opposite, emits a breath at every moment."
(Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Self-Reliance")

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 5th*

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

When I say the Serenity Prayer over and over, I could fall into the habit of merely parroting the words without being aware of their meaning. If I "think" of the meaning of each phrase, my understanding will grow, and along with it, my capability to realize "the difference between what I can change and what I cannot."

The prayer states first that there are elements in my life which I have no power to change. That my serenity depends upon my accepting these elements, and that the more I fight them, the more they will torment me. "Courage to change the things I can" gives me unlimited freedom to work on those elements which are under my control, and of my utmost concern.

Today's Reminder
The Serenity Prayer suggests I ask God for "courage to change the ‘things' I can." The word is "things", not "people". True, there is much room for improvement in my life, but it can come only from changing my own attitudes and actions for the better.

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 4th*

I have only one person's guilt to carry. My own. If my spouse or child blames me for difficulties they are going through, I will not accept that blame, but I will not defend myself either, for that would only start fruitless battle. I know my spouse or child needs to blame me because of a painful need to unload remorse on someone else. My remembering this should generate only compassion for them in me, not resentment and anger."

Someone else may respond: "I wish I could believe that! When my family member gets through telling me off, I feel as though the devil were sitting on my back with fifty pound lead weight in each pocket!"

Today's Reminder
There is no need for me to accept blame for another person's irrational actions. I will deal with my own shortcomings. If I do this honestly, the change in me will be reflected in every person whose life touches mine.

"Let me weigh my misdeeds on an honest scale and make restitution as well as I can. But let not the scale be unbalanced by the weight of what others have done."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 3rd*

When my spirit is in turmoil and my troubled thoughts race around and around, and I try to "reason myself" out of this frame of mind, it may be well to "stop reasoning" and hold fast to an idea that speaks of quietness and peace. That is: "Keep it simple and live with faith in the moment."

Probably there is nothing I can do now, this minute, this hour, this day, to solve the problem that is gnawing at my peace of mind. Then to what purpose do I torment myself?

I will stop depending solely on my own reasoning to solve things that are too great for me. I will not rehash, over and over, thoughts so bitter that they can make me feel physically ill in doing so. I will empty my mind of all this perplexity, and hold to just one simple thought, while I wait for God's guidance.

Today's Reminder
The things that trouble me are often too complex to yield to human reasoning. Indeed their reality may only be a creation of my confused thoughts. When I reach such an impasse, and I remind myself to "Keep it simple and live with faith in the moment." I know then I will find myself restored to composure.

"Under the shadow of Thy wing shall be my refuge until this tyranny pass." (Book of Common Prayer)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 2nd*

Wanting to know why my spouse or children do the things they do, is "an itch for which there is no scratch!"

Some of us never get over trying to "figure things out." Sometimes, left to ourselves, we will absolutely "think-things-to-death!" Some how we believe, if we can only put our index finger precisely on the one reason for our family's immature behavior, the problem of that behavior will simply vanish away.

What is important, however, and within our God-given powers to figure out, is what "we" are doing that confuses and complicates life. When we discover this, and do something to change it, what will vanish will be a good number of "our own" troubles.

Today's Reminder
May I be the kind of husband or wife I need to be to my spouse. I wish to find what is good in others, and be quick to acknowledge it. May God help me to truly be a parent to my children, for my children will never have another father or mother but me. I will both love my children, yet see that they will experience, completely, the consequences of their own poor decision-making. This, and God's grace, will be sufficient to help them mature into healthy adults. In addition, I will refrain from burdening my family with unaswerable questions like "Why do you do the things you do!!!"

"Leave off that excessive desire of knowing; therein is found much distraction. There are many things the knowledge of which is of little or no profit to the soul."
(Thomas A'Kempis)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]