*September 1st*

When our problems enclose us and saturate our thoughts, we find ourselves in an isolation that gives us an acute sense of loneliness. We may confide in friends, but underneath we feel nobody understands what we are going through.

Dwelling on our troubles only shuts out a world that is waiting to be enjoyed. Nothing has real power to deprive us of the delights to be found in many daily experiences - even a routine household or outside employment job duty. For those of us who have children in our care, we can forget our troubles in devoting loving attention to them and their development. Observing our children is like reading a fascinating and often amusing book!

Today's Reminder
I may have big troubles, but I can, if I wish, make those troubles less painful by turning my thoughts to happier things. I will not isolate myself in my problems. I will observe and enjoy what is good and pleasant in the world around me.

"Let me not deprive myself of the many little joys that are mine for the taking."

[Taken from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI

*August 31*

"It's a nice day," people say when the weather's fine. One of the things taught in Al-Anon is that the kind of a day it is does not depend on the weather, but on our attitudes and reactions to what's happening.

We can make every day a nice day. Al-Anon's helpful leaflet "Just for Today" says it this way; "Just for Today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, keep my voice low, be courteous. I won't find fault." This is bound to brighten the day, for me and everybody I meet!

Today's Reminder
I will make up my mind to be cheerful every waking moment of this day. I will not expect too much; this will shield me from being annoyed at little things that don't go just the way I wanted them to. I will try to accomplish something specific, perhaps some chore I have long been putting off. I will wear a pleasant smile for everyone I meet today.

"What a comfortable feeling it gives me to realize that all I have to deal with is just this one day. It makes everything so much easier!"

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*Reading of Psalm 23 (Cute!!!)*

*August 30th*

When a family situation becomes really desperate, and we think we just can't go on another day living in uncertainty, fear, deprivation and general misery, we may decide to take action. That's good. But "what" action? So much depends on taking the right course. Let me consider:

Is my present frame of mind, whether of anger, bitterness or confusion, one in which I can make a wise choice? Have I yielded too quickly to advice from friends, well-meant, but based on only limited knowledge of all the factors?

Today's Reminder
If I have come to the end of my rope, I have lived in this turmoil for a long time. Let me be patient a little longer while I weigh the alternatives. Will a radical change really work out better for me, for my children, and yes, for my spouse?

Before I make a decision, or take a step, I will double my efforts to apply the truths and principles I am learning in emotional growth and parenting. It could bring me to an entirely different, more constructive solution than the drastic ones I was considering.

"Make sure that the medicine you use is worse than the sickness you're trying to cure!"

*August 29th*

How many of my frustrations and disappointments come from expecting too much! It is good to set our standards high, but only if we are prepared to accept, with comfortable serenity, results that fall short of what we expect.

We expect more of family, friends and coworkers, than they can sometimes deliver at their stages of emotional growth. At times we expect complete transformation, when it is we ourselves we should examine for transformation. In addition, and sometimes above all, we make too great demands on ourselves.

Today's Reminder
Let me learn to settle for less than I "wish" were possible, and be willing to accept it and appreciate it. I will not expect too much of anyone, not even of myself. Contentment comes from accepting gratefully the good that comes to us, and not from raging at life because it is not better. This wholesome attitude is by no means "resignation", but a realistic acceptance.

"What you have may seem small; you desire so much more. See children thrusting their hands into a narrow-necked jar, striving to pull out the sweets. If they fill the hand, they cannot pull it out and then they fall to tears. When they let go a few, they can draw out the rest. You, too, let your desire go; covet not to much ..." (Epictetus)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*August 28th*

We are told there can be no progress without humility. This idea is confusing to many at first, and it almost always encounters a stubborn resistance in us. "What!" we say, "am I supposed to be a submissive "slave" to my situation and accept everything that comes, however humiliating?" No. True humility does not mean meek surrender to an ugly, destructive way of life. It means surrender to God's will, which is quite a different thing. Humility prepares us for the realization of God's will for us; it shows us the benefits we gain from doing away with self-will. We finally understand how this self-will has actually contributed to our distress.

Today's Reminder
The attitude of true humility confers dignity and grace on us, and strengthens us to take intelligent spiritual action in solving our problems.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God . . . casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you. He giveth grace to the humble."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, 3-1]

*August 27th*

An interesting exercise, and one well worth a few moments of reflection, would be to consider the exact meaning of the phrase "to take offense."

These words describe an act of willingly taking into ourselves a hurt we feel somebody intended to inflict on us. We "take" offense. We don't have to take it. We are free to refuse to be hurt by a spiteful remark, or malicious action.

So the whole matter really rests with us. The choice of accepting or rejecting an offense is ours alone.

Today's Reminder
It may not be easy at first, but if I keep reminding myself that I will not permit myself to be hurt by what anyone says or does, it can bring about an amazing change in my attitude and disposition.

Whenever I feel I am being hurt by someone, I will silently refuse to "take offense" or take any action to retaliate. What a relief it will be to have such incidents vanish into thin air, leaving not a mark on me! I will not "accept" offense.

"What can words do to me unless I take them to heart?"

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Alinon" for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*August 26th*

How often we think that the trials we have to face were caused by outside forces, by fate, by others by uncaring circumstances. We're only too ready to look outside ourselves for the reasons for our afflictions, when the real enemy is self-deception. We may be poor, deprived of the necessities of life, frustrated in the things we think we want to do. It is only too easy to blame all these things on our spouse or angry irresponsible children. Yet however difficult one or all of these people we love might make our lives, we could do a great deal to offset the damage of their actions by turning our examination and criticism on ourselves, and taking energetic steps to correct what we ourselves think and do.

Today's Reminder
I will examine my own attitudes and activities and face the fact that much of what I do - or leave undone - contributes to my distress. Like sometimes other people around me, I, too, have an unrecognized sense of guilt which I could overcome by correcting what I find wrong with me. My first job is to stop fooling myself, stop excusing my own shortcomings.

"If we say that we have no fault, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us." (1st Epistle of John)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Alinon" in the interest of family relationships, by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, (2-4)]

*August 25th*

Have I ever accomplished anything good while my emotions were churning with hysteria? Am I aware that reacting on impulse - saying the first thing that pops into my head - defeats my own purposes? I couldn't lose by stopping to think: "Easy Does It". Wouldn't any crisis shrink to manageable size if I could wait a little while to figure out what is best to do? Unless I'm sure I'm pouring oil on troubled waters, and not on a raging fire, it might be best to do and say nothing until things calm down. "Easy Does It."

Today's Reminder
It may take a bit of self-control to back away from conflict and confusion. But it's wonderful protection for my peace of mind. Unless I can say or do something to quell the storm, I'll only be inflicting punishment on myself. And each little battle I win - "with myself" - makes the next one easier. It will all seem much less important tomorrow!

"Quietness is a great ally, my friend. As long as I keep my poise, I will do nothing to make bad matters worse."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Alinon". Specifically designed for parent-child relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, (8-25)]

*August 24th*

This day I will concentrate on the inner meaning of the Commandment "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." I will accept myself, for that is the primary condition under which the good in me can grow. Unless I am at peace with the child of God I am, I cannot love and help my neighbor. Regrets are vain. They interfere with the good I could do today, the making of the better person I want to be tomorrow.

Today's Reminder
Condemning ourselves for mistakes we have made is just as bad as condemning others for theirs. We are not really equipped to make judgments, not even of ourselves.

"Today I pray for the wisdom to build a better tomorrow on the mistakes and experiences of yesterday."

[Taken and converted for purposes of parent and child relationships, from "One Day At A Time In Alinon" by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI)]

*August 23rd*

It is good to learn with other parents that we can "let go" of the past. We "wish" we had done some things better in the past. We "wish" we had not said certain things at certain times to certain people under certain conditions. We all feel this way to some extent. Now we must look to the present, and do what we are learning we can do now. The rest we leave to God in His love and mercy. We must not put forth our "martyr-face". Perhaps I do this sometimes, and I must do all I can to change this.

Today's Reminder
Do I habitually wear my martyr-face to remind my spouse and children what are hard time they've given me? Or do I try to lift their spirits - already so depressed by guilt and confusion? Will I improve to be pleasant and positive, even when things aren't going my way? Am I afraid to let those around me know I do have reasons to be happy, or do I want others to feel sorry for me?

"... that thou art happy, thou owest to God; that thou continuest such, thou owest to thyself." (John Milton: "Paradise Lost")

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time" of Al-Anon" for the "Parent Team Intervention Program" by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, 8-23.]

*August 22*

If a sharp thorn or a splinter pierces my hand, what do I do? I remove it as quickly as I can. Surely I wouldn't leave it there, hurting me, until it festers and sends its infection throughout my body.

Yet, what do I do with the thorns of resentment and hatred when "they" pierce my thoughts? Do I leave them there and watch them grow, while I suffer increasingly from the pain?

True, resentment and hatred are more difficult to pull out of our thoughts than the physical thorn from a finger, but so much depends upon it that I will do my best to eliminate them, before their poison can spread.

Today's Reminder
If I really do not want to be hurt, and if I am sure that self-pity isn't giving me a certain secret satisfaction, I will take all the steps necessary to free my mind from painful thoughts and emotions. The best way to do this is not by grimly exerting will power, but by replacing those hurting ideas with thoughts of love and gratitude.

"Thou has not half the power to do me harm, as I have to be hurt." (William Shakespeare: "Orthello")

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" for the
"Parent Team Intervention Program" by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, 8-22.]

*August 21st*

If I believe that it is hopeless to expect any improvement in my life, I am doubting the power of God. If I believe I have reason for despair, I am confessing personal failure, for I "do" have the power to change myself, and nothing can prevent it but my own unwillingness.

Never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do. This is a thinking error I can get rid of with the help of others. I can learn to avail myself of the immense, inexhaustible power of God, if I am willing to be "continually" conscious of God's nearness.

Today's Reminder
I am not at the mercy of a cruel or capricious fate, for I have the power to determine what my life will be "one day at a time." I am not alone, because God is with me whenever I make myself aware of Him.

"To be without hope, is to deny the wonderful possibilities of the future."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" for the "Parent Team Intervention Program" by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, 8-21.]

*August 20th*

It is so easy to criticize others inside and outside of our family. The criticism, the scolding, is often a defense so that we don't see certain problems in ourselves.

One day I was driving down a freeway in Dallas. I noticed how dirty and unwashed a vehicle was that passed me. Recalling this principle, I immediately recognized that my car was equally as dirty, if not more than the vehicle I first criticized. I wondered to myself why I did not examine other cars that were also driving down the freeway? Could it be because I felt guilty for how I had neglected the care of my own vehicle, and that, even though the feeling was really quite simple, I wanted to see someone else to "pin it on?" ... We all know the saying that when we point a finger at someone else, there are always three fingers pointing back.

Today's Reminder
It's sometimes a shock to have our thinking errors pointed out to us, but I must always remember that in the Parent Team Intervention meetings, and when I'm with my therapist, the motive is loving and meant to be helpful.

If I'm on the wrong track, I want to know it so I can correct my faulty attitude. Others can often see our problems more clearly than we can, and from that we get our best help.

"Teach me to think straight, and not to take offense at criticism which is meant as loving guidance."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" for the "Parent Team Intervention Program" by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, 8-20.]

*August 19th*

My attitude toward another - whether they are behaving properly or not - can have untold influence on the life of my family. Perhaps due to many events and hardships that have happened in my own life, I acquired the habit of tearing down those who are close to me, showing my contempt for other peoples actions, if not aggressively, then passively. My indignation for the neglect of other people to complete their obligations. I am responsible for the consequences of my own attitudes. Even a little understanding and compassion will show us that our behavior is ego-destroying, and the egos of my spouse or child can already be painfully battered by guilt and fear.

Today's Reminder
I never want to forget that my spouse and children, with whatever faults they may have, are children of God, and are therefore entitled to my respect and consideration. I will guard against assuming the role of judge and punisher, for I cannot destroy another person without inflicting great damage on myself.

"It is easy, terribly easy, to shake a man's faith in himself. To take advantage of that to break a man's spirit, is devil's work." (G.B. Shaw: "Candida")

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time" of Alinon, August 19th, for the PARENT TEAM MEETING PROGRAM by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*August 18th*

Some of us parents have had long lists of grievances against our children, spouse and other people. A lot of this came from what some of us grew up under. The worst possible thing we can do is to remember these grievances and dwell on them. You know, "polish up our halos of martyrdom." The very best we can do is to erase them from memory, so each new day becomes an opportunity to make things better. In this way, we will find greater strength each moment to positively effect what "does" happen.

Beyond the normal important role and activities of parenting, in my heart, it is not my assignment to keep an inventory of my children and spouse’s faults and misbehaviors for the purpose of holding feelings of bitterness against them. Instead my task is to watch for my own and root them out, so that what I say and do will help to make things better for me and for my family.

Today’s Reminder
Storing up grievances is more than a waste of time; it’s a waste of life that could be lived to greater satisfaction. If I keep a record of oppressions and indignities in my heart, I am restoring them to painful reality.

I’m finding the things I’ve had against people are surprisingly easy to forget, once I practice living one day at a time and examine myself with the voice of my own conscience.

"The horror of that moment," the King said, "I shall never, never forget." ... "You will, though," said the Queen, "if you don’t make a memorandum of it." (Lewis Carroll: "Through the Looking Glass")

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time" of Alinon, for August 18th, by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*August 17th*

We sometimes forget what a painful experience it was to come to our first Parent Intervention Meeting. Remember the whirling thoughts, the fears, the uncertainty? Uneasy questions came crowding into our minds: "Is it the right thing to do?" - "What will my kid say when we return home?" - Am I disgracing my family by admitting that my child has a problem bigger than I know how to figure out?" - "Although it is said the meetings are confidential, and this trust is sacredly guarded, what if still someone finds out I was here?"

But what is true, every member understands that no word of the proceedings must ever go beyond the meeting room, and especially that no names should ever be mentioned.

Today's Reminder
The new comer to the Parent Intervention Team meeting feels comforted and safe when he or she learns that one can talk freely without fear of having anything repeated. The new members, both of parents and children, deserve this assurance. We are committed to it by ethical standards, as well as by our personal need for protection against careless gossip.

"Tradition Twelve of Alinon: Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, 8-17.]

*August 16th*

It may be that the harsh words and accusations we use to whip others for what they have done, or failed to do, leave no mark once the battle is over. But how can we tell? How can we risk hurting another person who is already so deeply wounded by his own guilt? In the case of many kids, guilt is buried in shameful misbehavior.

Does the voice of God have a chance to be heard over my angry shouting? What is the purpose of letting myself fly apart in reckless tantrums? To consequence family members by having them suffer through my yelling and sarcastic remarks? Or is it to relieve my pent-up feelings?

Today's Reminder
I cannot punish anyone without punishing myself. The release of my tensions, even if it seems justified, leaves dregs of bitterness behind. Unless I have deliberately decided that my relationship with my family has no further value in my life, I would do well to consider the long-range benefits of quiet acceptance in times of stress.

"How shall you punish those whose remorse is already greater than their misdeeds?"

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, 8-16.]

*August 15th*

Each of us, as a person, has enormous potential. Many of our frustrations come from not making the most of ourselves and getting out of life what it has to give, ready and waiting for us to accept.

I correctly entered a teamwork intervention program to create change in my child's terrible behavior. Still, I must admit to myself, that I could use the help a bit myself! Hey, this could help me, not only help my kid! ... Now that I think about it, even more, this stuff could help me with other people as well!

Yes, the solutions rest with me. With the help of my spiritual beliefs, I can adorn my life with serenity and happiness. It does not depend on any other person, and to the extent I accept this fact, the sooner I will be able to face other things in life rationally and realistically.

Today's Reminder
My child, as well as other people, can affect me only as I allow them to. I need not be influenced by others, for I am free to consult my own conscience, my own mind, and decide what is best for me as situations approach me each day. Also, I can realize my own strength and confidence by using my Daily Reading, counseling, and taking full advantage of the teamwork intervention program.

For the true believer in God, "Greater is He who is in me, than He that is in the world."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon", 8-15.]

*August 14th*

When a rebellious teenager is fighting parents or using drugs, by the activity of teamwork intervention the teenager will finally hit bottom. The idea, however, while we're in the program, we manage and dicide consequences that will be less cruel to the child, compared to what will happen to the child if we do nothing, and our kid faces life in his or her present condition. (As a team, we take charge of my child's environment, and see that he or she creates coping skills for life "now", not "later", while the parent still has parental control.)

Yet, because of the trauma related to a yelling, defiant kid in the home, at least for a period of time, all in the home can be a bit neurotic! Thus, the family's participation in the teamwork intervention program, is a chance for growth for the entire family, not only that one child.

When my kid improves, becomes "reasonable" again, I will be ready because I as a parent will have gotten better as well. This will be accomplished by doing the Daily Reading, responding to counseling, and take full advantage of healthy feedback from others.

Today's Reminder
Although I know now that I was never responsible for my child's unruly behavior, when my child "is" changing in response to an intensive "team-dynamic" program, I must remember to be changing as well.

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
by Jim Hogue, MFTI, 8-14.]

*August 13th*

We suffer more than we need to, and often, perhaps, because we want to. Many of us reopen old wounds by dwelling on the past - what "he or she did last week or last year." Many of us live in needless dread of what tomorrow will bring.

An interesting and rewarding exercise for today might be to examine all the things that are hurting me at the moment. I will challenge their validity to see if there is any basis for my bitterness - or for that dread and fear. I’ll probably discover, to my delight, that I have, right at this moment, more than enough reasons to be happy and contented.

Today’s Reminder
Why do I allow myself to suffer? Is there any meaning or validity to the items I am permitting myself to suffer from? What if "my spouse said this" - or "my child did that." Even if it was "meant" to hurt, it cannot reach the real me, if I stand guard at the door of my mind.

"Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you’ve even survived,
But what torments of grief you’ve endured,
From evils which never arrived."
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon by Jim Hogue, MFTI, 8-13.]

*August 9th*

I know how easy it is to let anger well up inside me at the thought of someone who has injured me. What is much more difficult is to take a detached view so we can stop the building up of this "head of steam." Unless I do this, it will explode, damaging me and everything around me.

When we are frustrated in our desire to punish the one we’re angry at, we may take it out on innocent bystanders, sometimes even the children in our homes who is not hurting us, the young lives which God has entrusted to our hands. Surely we have an obligation - a duty of love - to avoid aggravating the emotional damage on the rest of our family members, that the rebellious, acting-out child may already be inflicting on them.

Today’s Reminder:
There are many good reasons to keep myself from harboring resentful thoughts. They can grow into savage attacks on other human beings. Another good reason for quieting my anger before it gets out of hand is to prevent the emotional scars it can leave on me.

"If any man among you seem to be religious and bridleth not his tongue, he deceiveth his own heart; this mans’ religion is vain." (General Epistle of James)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon, 8-9.]

*August 10th*

In the book of Ecclesiasticus we read: "The stroke of the tongue breaketh the bones. Weigh thy words in a balance and make a door and a bar for they mouth. Envy and wrath shorten the life."

This statement speaks directly for the Parent Team readings. We are constantly being reminded that we are working to improve ourselves and our families, to protect ourselves from the influences of confusion, anger and resentment.

In these words from the Bible, we have a direct recommendation to check our part in the difficulties we have with our family members.

Today’s Reminder
Let me reflect how much damage I may have done, and may still do, by saying the first thing that comes to mind. Let me realize that the worst reaction of unbridled anger falls upon me. What I say in a single moment of uncontrolled rage can have inconceivable long-range consequences.

"Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the truth of man worketh not the righteiousness of God." (Epistle of James)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon", 9-10.]

*August 11th*

Even with a growing understanding of Parent Team Philosophy, we might find it difficult to accept such a statement as this: "Parent Team approach is a way to personal freedom."

Suppose I feel like a prisoner, trapped in an irksome way of life, as so many of us do. What am I doing about it? My obvious impulse is to try to manipulate the things and people around me into being more acceptable to me. Do I argue, rage and weep to make my spouse behave in a way that I think will make me happier? Happiness isn’t won that way.

Freedom from despair and frustration can come only from changing, in myself, the attitudes that are maintaining the conditions that cause me grief.

Today’s Reminder
I have the power to set myself free by conquering the personal shortcomings that chain me to my problems. And not the least of these is the short-sightedness that has made me refuse to accept responsibility for the way I am.

"Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon", 8-11.]

*August 12th*

It is difficult to overcome the habit of setting standards for our spouses, and expecting them to be followed, then correctly set standards for our children, and rightfully expect them to be followed. Being a "parent" places you in that position of responsibility. But when our acting-out child is in a program of recovery, we rely on the assistance of a Parent Team.

I must teach myself to leave my partner to God, and that God will also help me parent my children effectively with the help of others. In this process, I will also learn not to expect or demand. I will look for, and appreciate, my spouse and childrens’ positive and desirable actions, and not concentrate on the negative. I must, in other words, do something constructive about my own attitude.

Today’s Reminder
I will not look for perfection in another person until I have attained perfection myself. Since I know this will never be, let me learn to accept things as they are, and stop manipulating them into changing. Let me look for a wiser approach to life "from myself", not from other people.

"Thou must learn to renounce thy own will in many things, if thou wilt keep peace and concord with others." (Thomas A’Kempis)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" by Jim Hogue, MFTI, 8-12.]