"Each day as you wake up, make the decision to strive to do what's right.
Approach your life as you would your game....
...when you make a mistake, learn from it, correct it, and get ready for the next point. Life moves too fast to sulk and dwell on the past.
...when you're down, fight harder to get back on top. Life is full of hardships. Fight hard against those feelings of despair. ...when you're doing everything right and still can't win, be patient. No matter how good we are or how hard we struggle to make the right decisions, life often makes us wait.
...when you are on top of your game, relax and enjoy it. Life is fully appreciated when we survive adversity and can relax in the sunlight of success.
Each sunrise brings a new opportunity. No matter how bad the day before was, today is brand new. When you wake up, seek the strength and courage to do the right thing."
As a mom or dad, a wife or husband, do you ever feel weak, having doubt that you can be as strong as you must be at times? Certainly you do. We "all" do. Only some try to cover their vulnerabilities, their moments of poor confidence, pretending such experience does not exist.
But we, people who feel weak sometimes, are the very people God uses. - Uses to be the most loving and strong parents, spouses and teachers, at times when it really counts.
Don't be surprised if you have doubt at times. Only when you feel doubt, know, even in feeling it, that doubt will fly away and you will be strong again.
In this world there are so many experts. - "Experts" on how you should live your life, ... and how you should parent your children. But what rings true to what you feel inside you?
Don't fear doubt when it comes. Look back at your life, past events when you survived when you thought you would not. But you did, ... rather remarkably I might add.
In parenting sometimes we must be loving, sometimes strong, holding to principles that are proven truth.
Understand it is not all up to you, but do what you can one day at a time, in quiet and certain confidence.
This video from the Parent Digest library has proven valuable to many parents. As a result, please review it today, and read the writing afterwards. (This video will also be provided for the selected child/teen reading on this date.)
*****
Mom and dad, recall if it is not a fact that you have been manipulated and controlled in the past in the precise manner here explained by Counselor Connie Podesta. Possibly by others, but especially likely by children of all ages who want their own way at all costs.
Connie says, "Difficult people are great actors." ... "Difficult people have an act." ... "Knowing this, we can have control of who will treat us this way, and who will not."
Let me add, when a group of loving adults band together to hold angry youth accountable, we will succeed practically 100% of the time. This is what we do in the "Parent Team Intervention Program." As a team, we see that a boy or girl s rage or pretended victimhood, is only an act. In time (and not too long), each kid realizes that together, we are smart enough to see through a game when it is played.
Stop allowing yourself to be dominated and confused, either aggressively or passively. Remember, "you" are the parent. Hold that sacred position in love, strength and insight. Your rebellious young one will be better for it.
There are times when we are timid and shy about expressing the love we feel. For fear of embarrassing the other person, or ourselves, we hesitate to say the actual words "I love you." So we try to communicate the idea in other words.
We say 'take care' or 'don't drive too fast' or 'be good.' But really, these are just other ways of saying 'I love you,' 'you are important to me,' 'I care what happens to you,' 'I don't want you to get hurt.'
We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say, and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don't say. And yet, because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.
Therefore, we have to LISTEN FOR LOVE in the words that people are saying to us. Sometimes the explicit words are necessary, but more often, the manner of saying things is even more important. A joyous insult carries more affection and love within the sentiments which are expressed insincerely. An impulsive hug says I LOVE YOU even though the words might be saying very different.
Any expression of a person's concern for another says I love you. Sometimes the expression is clumsy, sometimes even cruel. Sometimes we must look and listen very intently for the love that it contains. But it is often there, beneath the surface.
A mother may nag her son constantly about his grades or cleaning his room. The son may hear only the nagging, but if he listens carefully, he will hear the love underneath the nagging. His mother wants him to do well, to be successful. Her concern and love for her son unfortunately emerge in her nagging. But it is love all the same.
A daughter comes home late, way past her curfew, and her father confronts her with angry words. The daughter may hear only the anger, but if she listens carefully, she will hear the love under the anger. "I was worried about you," the father is saying. 'Because I care about you and I love you. You are important to me.
We say I love you in many ways-with birthday gifts, and little notes, with smiles and sometimes with tears. Sometimes we show our love by just keeping quiet and not saying a word, at other times by speaking out, even brusquely. We show our love sometimes by impulsiveness. Many times we have to show our love by forgiving someone who has not listened to the love we have tried to express.
The problem is listening for love is that we don't always understand the language of love which the other person is using. A girl may use tears or emotions to say what she wants to say, and her boyfriend may not understand her because he expects her to be talking his language. Thus, we have to force ourselves to really listen for love. The problem with our world is that people rarely listen to each other. They hear the words, but they don't listen to the actions that accompany the words or the expression on the face. Or people listen only for rejection or misunderstanding. They do not see the love that is there just beneath the surface, even if the words are angry.
We have to listen for love in those around us. If we listen intently we will discover that we are a lot more loved than we realize.
Listen for love and we will find that the world is a very loving place after all. *******
Wishing to encourage her young son's progress on the piano, a mother took her boy to a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted a friend in the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her. Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the little boy rose and eventually explored his way through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE."
When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that the child was missing.
Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."
At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep Playing." Then leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in the bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child and he added a running obbligato.
Together, the old master and the young novice transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. The audience was mesmerized. The young boy we see and hear playing the piano now on the video provided, could well have been the mother's son some time after that grand experience.
Remember, providence is also involved in the raising of your children. There is God, and there are others to support you. Think of this often. As you do so, be strong, moment by moment, and perform your task of parenting with hope, faith, and great diligence.
Watch video, then read today's writing. This video will also be in the "Teen Daily Reading". (Perhaps not appropriate for younger children.)
*******
This video remarkably depicts the complicated effects of "enmeshment" in relationships. Seems today we cannot seem to bond in friendship or intimate love, without "losing our identities in the other". However, this only cripples us as individuals, and limits us from being what we can for others, ourselves and God.
We parents can easily become enmeshed in those around us, as our children also become enmeshed in systems of the world that support them in defiance against we parents.
Here are two outlines which briefly define enmeshment from a "family" perspective.
A person once remarked that the main source of our unhappiness is that we ourselves don't know what we want. We think we're dissatisfied with what we have, with the way we live, and the way other people act toward us. He suggested that each person dig down deep to see what we really feel would bring us contentment.
If this self-searching reveals only that we are disgruntled because we feel we deserve a better car, a bigger house or more money, we must dig still deeper for the real cause. Is it envy of others? Is it our inability to enjoy fully what we do have? Do we, in defense of our own shortcomings, look for excuses to blame others?
I can find serenity only by rooting out my discontent. I must acknowledge to myself the real reasons why I react as I do. Am I doing my share? If not, my dissatisfaction may be due to unrecognized guilt. Is it difficult for me to feel and express appreciation? I will try to develop a sense of gratitude. Do I expect others to behave according to my expectations?
It really adds up to this: That we're not satisfied with ourselves, and we can certainly do something about that."
[Taken from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon", and improvised by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
This was the family of the well known concentration camp survivor, Ms. Corrie ten Boom. In her book "The Hiding Place",she relates the story of a conversation she once had with her father while traveling:
"'Father, what is sex sin?'
My father turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.
'Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?' he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.
'It's too heavy,' I said.
'Yes,' he said. 'And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.'
And I was satisfied. More than satisfied -- wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions -- but now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping." Here we see Corrie ten Boom posing in the very room where she and her family found "a hiding place" until they were finally captured and placed in a concentration camp during World War II.
Perhaps we all agree we have much to be thankful for. By this same principle, the energy and insight we exercise to parent our children, no matter how difficult the task may be at times, is well worth our effort in the end.
Note also how Ms. Boom's trust in her father as a youth to answer for her the question, "What is sexual sin?", is a good example for parenting today. Contrary to what is taught in our society, our children do not have to know "everything" that is in the world before they are of an age to properly understand them. The "umbrella of parental authority" can be a place of safety until the child is mature, and governed by his or her own conscience and established morality.
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his masters house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"
"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your masters house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts." The pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the masters house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."
Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the bearer for its failure
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pots side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my masters table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."
Each of us has our own unique flaws. We re all cracked pots. But in God's great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.
[Source of story is unknown. Improvised by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ] *******
Watch video, then read the writing. (Share both videos with teen or child if you wish.)
***** Many of us have fond, yet mixed emotions when we think of John Denver. So many were sad upon the brilliant singer's unfortunate death years ago off the coast of California in a small plane he formerly helped build.
Here he sings of love in one of many song he personally wrote. John Denver did so in a way that was often so common to him. There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then each day the number of times the boy lost his temper gradually decreased. Over time he discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to walk back to the fence and drive those nails with the hammer.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day he was able to hold his temper.The days passed and the young boy was eventually able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just these. With your words you can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say 'I'm sorry', the wound will still be there."
To close today we have another video with John Denver singing the same song as shown above. This time he begins by speaking of his feelings upon the death of his father. Click on: John Denver sings "PERHAPS LOVE" speaking of father 1982
[Source of writing unknown. Improvized by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT]
Watch the video first, then read the writing that comes afterwards.
OK, so we have in this short film animation, a continuation of what possibly happened to the "Tin Man" after he received his "heart" from "The Wizard Of Oz". Of course the Tin Man went on merrily on his way, right? Well, we see here that it was only soon after that he mishandled what was given him.
Here he is walking down the road minding his own business, pleasant as he can be, then suddenly he notices a "pretty robot" and instantly gives her his heart.
Who of us haven't done this at some time in our lives!!!
Well, surprise-surprise, the girl robot misuses the Tin Man's heart. Possibly the heart given her did not provide all she wanted, so she plays with the heart, summarily abuses it, then hurls it as far away from as she can throw it! Interestingly, the heart, upon being thrown, smacks another girl robot on the head injuring her.
Yet, girl robot number two, even after being damaged by the hit, treats the Tin Man's heart with remarkable care and concern, a marked contrast to girl robot number one. Soon she gently gives the Tin Man's heart back to him, for him to protect and do with it what he will.
What was the difference between Tin Women numbers one and two? Well, the second girl robot was kind and thought of others before herself. ... After this that girl robot and Tin Man walked away into the sunset together. (Or, actually, I think I added the sunset.)
It is interesting how life is made complicated by our decision to give our hearts to the wrong people. For some of us it has taken "years" for it to dawn on us that love is a decision, and that giving our hearts whimsically to the first attractive person we see is out-right dangerous. What is more, it is never healthy to "lose ourselves" in other people. It leaves us debilitated, broken and "unable" to give in the way God wants. (Translated, this means "co-dependancy".)
On a final note, understand that each day, only the "Teen Daily Reading" selections will be including short films of this nature almost constantly. This is to assist in drawing the attention of the youth to the Teen Daily Readings, as well as giving them more to contemplate and talk about after they do their reading.(Perhaps you as a parent or guardian can join your teen or child in watching the short films as they appear in the Teen selections, then afterwards as is our practice, have your son or daughter read the writing aloud so that you know they are at least completing their daily reading.
(I'm noticing that the writing of articles and selecting pertinent videos to accompany them, is probably a two year project before the year long daily readings are satisfactorily completed. Of course after this, the entire reading and viewing as a set will continue to be available year after year in support of the "Parent Team Intervention Program".
[Writing itself was written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
There is something both adults and children do at times. Some people know they do it, some don't. It brings pain when it is done to others. The resulting sadness can at times be very great.
It is when we rob people of believing in themselves.
Perhaps we do it to makes us feel stronger. Sometimes it is trying to get something. It can be for a toy, to avoid an embarrassment, or, to give up parenting or get a divorce?
As a counseling therapist, I know not everything is always how it first appears. Sometimes one person wants a divorce, but rather than admit it, they act in a way so the other person leaves them. The way he or she does this, is by robbing the other of their fundamental right of self-confidence, self-respect, and self-belief. Then, that person makes it look like it is the other persons fault and what they rightly deserve.
The game is played in many ways and for many reasons. Like, expecting too much from your child, because deep down you know there were times "you" failed in life when you should have succeeded. Or when your parents are old, you limit them in believing in themselves, trying for their dreams, because you are resentful and blame them for how you think they treated you when you were a child. Tricks like this can be done, while at the same time convincing the world you're your parents greatest Rescuer when you're not.
Yes, the world is full of toxic behaviors by people claiming to do good, when instead, they perpetrate harm. One way of doing this is by robbing people of believing in themselves, even in the simple things that define human integrity. After this done, it is easy to manipulate and control to get what that person want by stealth and deception.
In the "Parent Team Intervention Program" we hold kids accountable for poor behavior, but the process of doing so is always in the loving hunt for each child's dignity, conscience and personal respect.
If you are in the "Parent Team Intervention Program" you've heard me occasionally refer to the life principle, "The very thing that appears to be a person's greatest weakness, is precisely where is that person's greatest strength." A kind of "diamond-in-the-rough" if you will.
One of many examples of this is in the story of a 10-year-old boy who decided to study Judo despite the fact that he had lost his right arm in a devastating car accident.
The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. Over time he did well, so he couldn't understand why, after many long months of training, the master had taught him only one move.
"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?"
"This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied.
Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training. Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy naturally used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.
This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the young man with one arm might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.
"No," the sensei insisted, "Let him continue."
Soon after the match resumed, the larger of the fighters made a critical mistake, - he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used the one move he knew how to use to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion. His one arm was raised in victory with utter amazement on the face of this winner.
On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what had been troubling him.
"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?"
"You won for two reasons," the sensei answered. "First, you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your right arm!"
The boy's biggest weakness had become his greatest strength.
I tell you, think about it. Psychologically, in the area where you usually judge yourself weakest, when someone of value believes in you, and you release all anger and resentment, you discover the very quality you believed was weak, was your greatest strength all along!
More will be said about this in the future, but for now, if it is not too early in the morning and you can stand some energetic music, click on: "CHARLIE THE KARATE CHIMP VIDEO" for another interesting comparison!!!
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
No man can ever be everything that is a mother. Yet, at the same time, no matter how hard we try, no woman can be everything that is a "father".
Today we have a video of Chet Atkins playing and singing the song "I Still Can't Say Goodbye" (In 1968). Someone once said one reason it is important that children outlive their parents, is so that when their parents leave them in death, the children can more completely realize how much the parents meant to them.. Maybe, in a way, it is a natural stage we go through.
In a special way, this is true especially of fathers. As we said, no mother can be a father, no matter how hard she tries. A father need not say much, his power may only be in a glance. And there's something about his presence that speaks volumes.
It can almost be in doing anything. Fishing, cooking pancakes, watching a ball game, talking about the weather or repairing something. It just in doing things, and that he's there.
Some of us don't have fathers. A few have just lost one. No matter our age, when it happens, we feel something deep inside is greatly lost. Something that no other person, it seems, can ever quite replace. At least not in the same way and not in this life.
Your father could have been a good man or a bad man. It almost doesn't matter. In a way. What I mean is, in either case, one wonders deep in the soul, "What did my dad think of me?"
For some reason God allows this to have great power in our lives. No matter what.
In the Bible, as well as many cultures throughout the world, it has been, and remains to this day, a custom for sons and daughters to seek a "blessing" from the patriarch of the family. Upon leaving to be married, returning from war, having a first child and so on, ritualistically being blessed or "confirmed" is a moment sought immediately before leaving to ones home.
Strong and loving dads, each in their own way, having done all to stand when the going was tough, "blessing" a young man or woman with words like, "You know I wouldn't tell you this if it were not true. - No matter what anyone tells you, just remember that I love you and that I'm proud of the great job you're doing ." ... Wow, if that young adult has respect or honor for their father, even enough to fit in a thimble, he or she would walk away with confidence to conquer the world!
Finally, is your father gone? ... Well, did he go to a good place? Then in my personal opinion, he knows more about you now than he ever did. In a very real way, your dad is with you at this very moment, and that, because of the mercy, grace and power of God. My point is this. You can still show them both (I mean your dad and God), that because of them, and their watchful presence each day, you will become and be all they ever wished you to be.
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
What are the character traits we parents wish to instill in our children that they may carry into the world they traverse? We think of faith in God, self-confidence, commitment, discipline, doing what is right, - things like that. Here, let's remember also the word "insight", the ability to observe the world around us, and look deeply behind events to understand them.
One way we teach insight to our children is by being insightful ourselves. Opportunities for learning happen around us daily. A bad experience between you and your child, events depicted on news programs, incidents at school or in the neighborhood.
The point is this, there is relevance in the statement from scripture, "The truth will set you free." Without truth, right-and-wrong, good-but-better, we and our children, both, would not have "handrails", as it were, with which to navigate ourselves mentally and physically through the complexity of what occurs unexpectedly in our path.
Thank God that all the convolutedness of the world is not too much for God to understand and take care of! Let us take time each day to pause and listen to the wisdom of a quiet voice inside us. That voice directs us to look below and behind what is seen only with looking closely. In addition, may we who are parents teach this ability, this insight, to our sons and daughters whenever possible.
If you are a parent, were a parent, or ever wish to be a parent, this is a warning!!!
If you sometimes feel you are going crazy, find solace in the extreme likelihood that you are "not".
Now, to preserve the state of my relationship and professional accreditation with the "California State Board of Behavioral Sciences", I will refuse to provide a theoretical premise for what I will now say. However, I cannot help but verbalize how it remains profoundly interesting the "Property Laws Of Children" listed below appear valid when we parents undertake the sometimes daunting endeavor to parent our young ones!!!
1. If I like it, it's mine!
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine!
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine!
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine!
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way!
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine!.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine!
8. If I saw it first, it's mine!
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine!
10. If it's broken, it's yours!
[ Provided by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Source of list unknown / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFTI ]
During World War II six Navy pilots left their aircraft carrier on a mission. After searching the seas for enemy submarines, they tried to return to their ship shortly after dark. But the captain had ordered a blackout of all lights on the ship. Over and over the frantic pilots radioed, asking for just one light so they could see to land. But the pilots were told that the blackout could not be lifted. After several appeals and denials of their request, the ship's operator turned the switch to break radio contact--and the pilots were forced to ditch in the ocean.
As parents of children who often give trouble in their trek to adulthood, it is easy to feel hurt, unappreciated and lose hope. In the "PTI Program" we know and use the value of "team intervention" with a group of fellow parents and professionals to change our kids' harmful activity. With the principles and procedures we utilize, a renewal of hope and success in changing the behaviors of our children ensue. Yet, quite often, the process includes we parents letting go of our past doubt, fear and bitterness as the young ones in our families return to honoring and seeking our parental guidance.
I've seen it so often that, through calculated team-intervention, I know children will return to their proper healthy state if each parent will remain strong through decisions of reasonable consequences and management teamwork. However, when our children begin their path of healing, demonstrated by observable changes in behavior and decision making, let us be certain to let go of our past pain and resentment for how they harmed us. In the process, our children will be like "planes flying through the night, circling back seeking the ships they left for landing in safety."
Remember, no matter what, keep loving your child. Be strong as a father or mother, hold to what is right, but never give up cherishing the beauty inside your son or daughter.
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFTI ]
My Polish wife tells the story of a man who was an officer in that country's military before the second world war. He, along with many hundreds of other officers, were commissioned on a peace keeping mission to Russia to deliberate with that country on the impending threat of Nazi Germany in Eastern Europe. Before the man left on his journey, his little boy asked him to please take with him a much cherished teddy-bear. The reason was because the officer's son wished to be remembered while his father was away on important business.
Appreciating the gesture, the father, took with him "one leg" of his son's teddy-bear. The father said to his child, "When I return, I will be sure to have with me the leg of your precious teddy-bear so I can repair it. ... By this we will know that we have once again united as a loving family."
The sad part of this story is that the father never returned. It turned out that the invitation for talks with the Russian government was a setup. Upon the arrival of the Polish officers to that country, the many hundreds were promptly lined up and shot.
Of course the little boy grew to be a man, all the time missing his father very much. Long years of investigations went on for proof of what did happen. Finally one day the mass graves of these large numbers of men were discovered. Excavation began, with meticulous examination of what remains belonged to whom.
In the case of this father, the news went out across the land that not only was evidence revealed of the final resting place of this son's father, but that also in the precise location was discovered the carefully preserved "leg of the child's teddy-bear". It is likely that upon his execution, the father grasped fondly the tangible, sacred connection with his son.
As fathers and mothers, grandfathers and grandmothers, the roller-coaster ride that is both precious and sometimes difficult in connection with our children, is a valuable part of our lives. Some say it is more. That it is the "very reason" for our existence.
As a parent or guardian, are you sometimes frustrated, confused, even hurt? Because of the actions of your young ones, are you occasionally disappointed or lonely?
Let me tell you to please not give up. Use the challenges to only make you stronger in your resolve to be the best father or mother you can be. Rise above it all like clouds peering down upon the earth. In eternity you will look back at all the trials and will not regret it.
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
Our attitudes are usually conveyed to other people by what we say and do, - and how, "if the attitudes really reflect what we feel". Gentle actions and soft, courteous words may only counterfeit our true feelings. We may even "think" we have overcome resentment, self-righteousness and self-pity, but if they are still there inside us, they will in some mysterious way emanate from us and deny what we try to convey by our play-acting.
"How can he tell?" asks one family member to another. "I never raise my voice, never argue, try to do what he expects, and yet he's always challenging me!"
Today's Reminder Merely to change my behavior, and what I say and do, does not prove a change of inward attitude. I am deceiving myself if I imagine I can completely disguise my real feelings. They will somehow come through, and prolong the hostility in my family. I must root out entirely the troublesome emotions I've been trying to hide.
[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
Sometimes we face unwanted chores and feel as if it is the last thing on earth we want to do. You know, things like mowing the lawn, doing the wash, cleaning the house, or dealing with complexities of living with family!
When this happens, we can follow a simple motto: "I don't feel like it—but I'm going to do it anyway." There is something about recognizing our lack of motivation and then choosing to be responsible that helps us follow through with duties before us.
God's value on faith and obedience can be seen in the parables of Jesus. Christ spoke about two sons who were asked to work in the vineyard. The first said no, but "...afterward he regretted it and went" (Mattew 21:29). The second said yes but did not follow through. Then the Lord asked His listeners, "Which of the two did the will of his father?" (v.31). The obvious answer is the one who finished the task.
Our Lord's illustration underscores a key spiritual principle. God is interested in our faith and obedience—not just our good intentions. It is interesting how perhaps "all" of us wrestle with feelings of not being motivated. The fact is, we do not need to place ourselves on a "guilt-trip" about it, as motivation problems are a part of being human. Still, when we are tempted to shirk our responsibilities, why not say, "I don't feel like it," and then ask God for the grace to do it anyway. There "is" strength in doing this. Try sometime, you will see.
[ Article concept by Dennis Fisher, revised and submitted by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, Ma, MFTI ]
Not a year goes by without a natural disaster causing chaos somewhere in the world. Floods, hurricanes, and tsunamis destroy lives, homes, and livelihoods. No one would argue that the seas have a "right" to violate their established boundaries and crash across the coastline. In fact, people agree that disaster occurs whenever the sea breaches the shoreline. God Himself has "placed the sand as the bound of the sea" (Jer. 5:22).
God also established boundaries for human behavior. Yet not a day goes by without countless violations of His commands, resulting in disastrous physical and spiritual consequences. Amazingly, we often argue that we have the "right" to violate these boundaries.
In the days of the prophet Jeremiah, God's people had stepped out of bounds, using deceit to become rich and refusing to defend the needy (5:27-28). The result was disaster. God said, "Your sins have withheld good from you" (v.25).
Within creation there is inherent order. Violating it has inherent consequences. God in His kindness simply and lovingly communicated to us the order of things so that we can avoid those consequences. We are wise to know and to stay within His prescribed boundaries.
Do we each stop to notice, really notice, the subtle but very real pain in the eyes of our family when we react in anger or selfishness when things don't go our way? The pain in the eyes I am talking about, is easy to walk past and ignore. ... Yes, we love our spouse and children, but is it love when we cross boundaries in our relationships, and withhold our love? Even if the other is wrong in what they say or do, we ourselves can still love and honor the boundaries God has created for us to respect in each and every family relationship.
May God help us search within ourselves and see how sometimes our simplest actions, or reactions, effect people deeply.
[Written by Julie Ackerman Link, added to by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
It is good for us to remember that so many parents these days are suffering a particular heartache in the process of curbing our children's unmanageable behavior. That is, that our sons and daughters poor decisions are initially changed by our parental enforcing "consequences", rather than by our reasonable and caring attempts to "explain" and "reason" with them.
It is so easy for we fathers and mothers to take this personally. Yet, I encourage you to remember that there is something different about our society in this day in time. Rebellion has a complexity to it now, that did not exist in many years past. As you've heard, our struggle is not so much with our children, than it is a struggle against a system that supports our children to rebel against us defiantly."
Find and use the support you need as a dad or mom. Remember, don't insist that you do this "parenting thing" alone. Sometimes you need others to build you up to your rightful authoritative position in the eyes of your children. One of many reasons for this, is because society, especially Western society, has created a Pseudo Individualism that is supposed to be the answer to all things, but instead brings many to fall.
"I pray for humility to accept the fact that I need help, and for the firmness of purpose to take action to get it. I ask for the aid of others, as well as from God, in striving for a better way of succeeding high above the challenges of my life."
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
If someone were to say to me: "Here is a medicine that can change your whole life for the better; it will put you in a state of relaxed serenity; help you overcome the nagging undercurrent of guilt for past errors, give you new insight into yourself and your spiritual value, and let you meet life's challenges with confidence and courage." Would I take it?
This is available to us if we do not cling to our burdens, our emotional upsets, family wrangling and wretchedness.
Today's Reminder I will set aside a time each day to center my thoughts on what I can do to change my circumstances to the good. I will realize how constant self-examination maintains a healthy point of view.
It is no easy assignment, but life without good self-examination is not easy either. My choice will be to take this beneficial medicine and let its healing magic work in me.
"I pray that I may grow in my ability to use each day with poise, wisdom and a touch of humor. With God's help, I can teach myself not to turn little troubles into big ones."
[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
It is really a pity we cannot go to a market and buy ourselves a big chunk of "sense of humor" just as we would buy a package of yeast. They do about the same kind of thing. Yeast gives lightness and pleasant texture and taste to bread. A bit of humor works to lighten the heavy seriousness of our daily living, and the small or great trials and rough spots placed before us by those in our families.
Today's Reminder I want to remember, every time I'm tempted to take a heavy, somber view of a situation, that it may not be so bad after all. Maybe, if I look closely, the incident may have an element of absurdity or even a relieving silliness. My mood makes the matter look black, when I could instead spark it with a dash of rosy pink.
I'll try to look for the things that can add humor to my life to offset the things that are solemn or troubling. I'll cultivate a knack for recognizing and enjoying humourous moments. This could be a constructive way of detaching my mind from my daily difficulties, and see that many events are not as negative as they initially appear.
"It is usually anxiety that bars us from seeing the lighter, brighter things of life. That anxiety exists in ourselves. Because of this, we have means to reject negativity's influence on the way we react to what happens around us."
[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
The topic today is on the little matter of "Stress". Actually, stress is not a little matter. Let's not fool ourselves, stress "kills" people in forms of heart disease, blood pressure and other medical conditions. Stress also effects our moods, energy level, as well as reactions to others inside and outside our families.
Remember, sometimes men, women and yes, even children, act and react in rage or isolation, related significantly to "stress" that is out of control or not within healthy management in our lives and bodies.
Today's "Daily Reading" is calling attention to a list of videos for your watching, entertainment and study on this web site "ParentDigest.Blogspot.com". (Currently this list is located at the bottom of the home page.)
Believe me, this is valuable stuff!!! ... One reason a "Stress Management Department" has been added to this "Parent Digest" site, is because "I myself" am in sore need of this attention without question, and perhaps immediately!!!
As a parent, and yes, even as a child or teenager, it can be helpful that we each remain cognizant of our own stress levels. "We need to give ourselves a break, man!" ... (Oh, and yes, I suppose give others a break to.) ... I mean, who really knows the degree of complicated tension, anxiety and worry other people suppress, and act out in strange ways!
Sometimes we can be "on edge." Do you remember being this way sometimes? Well, this alone can be a major contributor to a breakdown in coping skills. - Yours as well as your kids.
As a final note, videos on this subject will be added to the "Stress Management List" on a weekly basis. Please consult periodically. (Remember, scroll down the right side of the home page.)
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
Once a man died and found himself before the pearly gates of heaven. The man always wanted to go to heaven, but wasn't sure he would get there. He looked around, admired the scenery, then noticed St. Peter standing there. To him he asked, "What must I do to get into heaven?"
Peter replied, "All you need do is spell the word "love." The man was shocked and said, "I never realized it was so easy to get into heaven." ... "I can do that!" he went on, then he promptly spelled the world "L - O - V - E".
After this St. Peter said he had to take a break, so he asked the man if he would stand watch in his place until he returned, and simply ask people to do what he did. "Oh, yes", said the man. "I can do that. "Don't you worry!" the man said, as he promptly proceeded to perform his assigned task.
Person after person went by, each competently spelling the word "LOVE". Finally, to the man's utter amazement, his wife suddenly appeared at the head of the line!
"Honey, why are you here," the man exclaimed.
The woman answered, "Well, I was driving home after your funeral, then remarkably, another vehicle slammed into the side of me and I was killed!" She went on, "What must I do to get into heaven?" Her husband answered, "Spell Czechoslovakia!" ...
Now, there are three points to this story:
(1) This is "not" nice. (2) In psychology this is called "passive aggressive behavior". (3) Do not treat your spouse or kids this way. (4) If you happen to be in the PTI Program, "PLEASE", whatever you do, "do not do this to me!!!"
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
A good thing to do sometimes, is to examine the age of your child now, and compare this with what was happening to you when you were that age. What I'm referring to is a possible kind of an "anniversary of trauma" in your own life. The human being is quite complex, and our behaviors and reactions can be effected by much more than we sometimes realize.
Is your child 3, 5, 12 or 14? Any age really. ... Were you abandoned or abused in any of a number ways in your history as a child? Do you see that the age of your child is the age of what you were then? If so, do not be surprised if you discover that you're reacting in isolating behavior or rage, different than you normally would, when your sons or daughters are at those times of their young development as you were. (I have found this to be true, not only in my own life as a parent, but also in the lives of a number fine people I have counseled through the years.)
What are you to do if you draw this comparison and find it valid? Well, you can apologize to your child. Speak frankly. When your son or daughter is age appropriate, explain to him or her the events that occurred around you when you were at that age. Thank them that you have the opportunity now to give your children more than you had when you were their age. What I mean is more love, more safety, more understanding and more guidance in a spirit of patience. It's interesting how kids respond to this kind of very real and very honest communication from their mom or dad.
(For the record, I'm not saying you should grabble, weep or beg for your kid's approval. No, absolutely not. Only practice such honorable amount of confession with your young one, then resume confidently and appropriately as his or her parent.)
Remember, there "can" be "anniversaries of trauma" that happen in your life. These echoes from the past can effect you more than you sometimes realize. Contemplate the connections to your own behaviors when they happen in relation to your children. Oh, and gratefully, thank God that our sons and daughters will have opportunity to witness your honesty. Surely this is a noble effort of modeling by a loving parent.
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
We make a great number of decisions, - small day-to-day ones that are mere choices, all the way up to big resolutions to make important changes in our lives.
Little or big, they are better when we use whatever forethought the situation requires. If they are concerned with other people, it is well to include such ingredients as love, generosity, tolerance and just plain kindness. Then we will make decisions we can live with comfortably.
If the resolution we're about to make is highly charged with anger, resentment or bitterness, it would be wise to hold back until the hysteria has subsided and we have taken time to consider all the factors calmly.
Today's Reminder I will remember that a decision I make in a time of crisis might not be the one I would make when the crisis is past. I will not rashly take a step which I may afterward regret.
"All our resolves and decisions are made in a mood or frame of mind which is certain to change." (Proust)
[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT]
In the region where I live there are giant redwood trees. Walking in the forests of these giants is like walking into a fairytale land. As many times as I've done so, I remain amazed at the vast sights I behold!
Yet, it is interesting how you almost never find a great redwood tree standing alone. Why is this? One would think mighty roots of such a magnificent monster clings deeply and aggressively within earth, staunchly resisting endless storms!
But this is not the case. Redwood trees grow tall and grand, not because they grasp deeply in soil, but because their roots grow out from the tree they serve, while weaving its roots remarkably with roots of other Redwood trees. Only then, standing united, do numbers of redwood trees survive the occasional mighty winds of the American Pacific North Coast.
Some of life's greatest challenges requires "community" for "individuals" to survive. This is something difficult for those of us who find it easy being individuals doing our own thing privately. ... But look at the harm you do, a harm by omition if you will, for your not reaching out both for another's need, as well as the needs that are your own.
You cannot be a giant tree standing alone. Not even mighty redwoods do that!
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI/ Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT]
It is said in the PTI Program that "Any ten adults are smarter than any one kid." This is one of many principles that run an intervention approach to changing the lives of youth.
Let's be honest, for most of us, the first time we heard this statement, we were not certain it was true! In the midst of living with a young man or young woman who is out of control, a parent or guardian can become quite confused, perplexed, - even angry. (I call it, "Being off center.")
But this "is" a confidence builder, that "Any ten adults is smarter than any one kid!" With all the experience a room full of adults bring from diversity and experience of their lives, it's interesting to hear the creative ideas that emerge in conversation regarding choices as to how to respond to problematic activity of children. The challenge of wondering what a parent can possibly do, shifts to that parent having to determine which of the "100" choices he or she suddenly realized is at his or her disposal!!!
Remember what you read yesterday. "Your struggle is not so much with your child, than it is with a system that supports your child in his or her defiance against you." There are many aspects to why participating in an "adult team" for support in intervention highly increases your chances to save your loved one.
Yes, it is common that parents can sometimes feel secretly inside them that some how their child is smarter than they are! But your son or daughter actually has very little confidence. He or she is still a kid. You see, the confidence you seem to observe in your child's defiance is a "pseudo confidence" based on "half-truths" given by a negative support network that wishes to use your child against you.
Don't fall for it. There "is" hope. - "Lots" of hope. ... However, the answer often lies in not doing it alone. ...
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT]
