*October 15th*

One day at a school where young children attended, it was recognized that the students gravitated to one area of the playground for recess. Finally a fence was erected as a border around the field for play. Then, and because of this, every time the bell rang, children would pour out for recess to all regions of the field, - the field the children once occupied only partly.

The same is true of the children we parent. Yes, some of our kids are easy to raise. But others, well, they make themselves out to be quite a challenge!

But here is a truth, a psychology if you will, that is so easy to go by unnoticed. The more a kid struggles against you, to that extent and to that extreme extent, that young one is afraid on the inside and wants you to win them over with strength, love, patience and truth.

Its like the playground at the schoolhouse analogy. Once the children knew where to go, once the boundaries were built and put in place, they went where they were told to go and did so freely joyfully!

But let's be clear, when it comes to children acting-out, using drugs, and defying you in a host of ways, as a parent, you will have to be strong, loving, patient and never give up on speaking the truth. Then, and only then, strange as it may seem, the more your son or daughter resists you, the more he or she kicks and screams in their hatred, to that extent your young desires you not to stop! (A strange paradox, isn't it!!!)

The other day I sang by his request at a young man's wedding. In all my years of working with children, no young person ever hated me more than this guy! Years later though, because I was strong, consistent and right in my team-effort with parents to hold him accountable, the teen grew up to be a husband and father, with a sacred respect for me as his one time counselor and friend.

I've seen this many times. Not only with myself, but with a great number of parents who persevered until they found love and respect in the eyes of their one time rebellious children. I mean, young men and women thanking us later for believing in them and not giving up!

You can do the same. I'm convinced of this.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

*October 14th*

Things are different now than they were 50 or 60 years ago. Back then, relatives lived near each other. Uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents were communities in city and country. Everybody knew one another. Everyone was family, and elders were respected without question. Because of this, when someones kid got out of hand and into trouble, the neighborhood of relatives backed each other, speaking for the kid's parents, or standing in the gap in their stead.

Now we're divided. - Parents, and sometimes a single dad or a single mom, is left to figure out the complexities of children these days, - alone, in a house with blinds closed and no witnesses.

Something is lost in today's individualism. Too often moms and dads stand as islands against angry behavior of children. Yes, there are accounts of parents abusing children, and this is sad, it is wrong, - but what of the events of children abusing moms and dads? A growing phenomenon in our time. Nagging, picking, verbally abusing and ungrateful!!! Cursing, demanding their way, and locking themselves in their rooms if they don't get what they want! ... Children who have everything, yet demand more and more. ... Never satisfied. Arrogant.

More parents than we wish to admit, in city after city, undergo torment from offspring they love deeply. When the problem of parents being abused by kids is discussed, its usually to conclude there's something wrong with the parents. The wrong behavior of children is called "A cry for help!"

But what of cases where this is not true? Fathers and mothers who are responsible people; own businesses, work hard, pay bills and keep food on the table? What if there is something wrong with "society" instead, that divides, conquers and analyses! What if many parents in this situation are normal; - only they are reacting in ways normal people do. Having their hearts ripped out inside them, and being blamed as the reason for it happening!

Maybe the old-timers had it right. Could it be with all our talk, and effort to change what has worked for centuries, we now "miss the forest for the trees?" ... Could it be that it was never meant that a parent should raise a child alone? ... Does it not make sense that when a dad or a mom tells a son or daughter what to do or not do, it is most effective for others who are adults to rise up and say, "Child, young one, listen to your parents, they love you, and they know what they're talking about for your own personal wellbeing!"

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

*October 13th*

Do you ever feel you're not a good parent? ... Do you find yourself looking at your child sometimes, and wonder where have you gone wrong? Do you sometimes conclude in your thinking that your kid's misbehavior and sometimes defiance is your fault? "Maybe I've been too hard on him," you reason with yourself. Or, "Possibly I've not been hard enough!"

The point in this reading today is, "Begin where you are in this moment, regardless of what has happened before. God has not only given you your child to parent, but He also gives you what you need, moment-by-moment, so that you "can" parent your child.

Without forgiveness as a cool soothing cream to apply gently on ourselves, there is no way we can parent our children effectively in the manner we must.

Did a while ago anger, doubt, fear or impatience surge from your lips in the heat of a moment? Then welcome the next moment. It is new. The one you are in now. View it as an opportunity to be what you can be then. Take into yourself the love, patience and forgiveness God gives you from Himself. Remember, He is a Parent too. Knowing this, you can pass this love, patience and forgiveness to your son or daughter afresh and anew.

Forgive yourself. You "are" a good enough parent. Don't let unnecessary guilt take your strength away.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

*October 12th*

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)

Is this statement from the Bible true? Based on what we see today, it is easy to believe that this well known and much studied verse is out of date, insignificant, and has entirely lost its influence.

Let me tell you now, this profound psychological principal embedded in scripture, remains valid today. It is more true today than perhaps ever before.

Then why are we losing confidence in this ancient proverb? For what reason have we "lost touch" with this vital principle, as we as well-meaning parents, search for ways to raise our children?

It is because, in many families, it is the "children" who are training "parents" in how "they", the children, wish to be raised!

A child can "turn-the-tables" on his or her parents. A mom and a dad can "think" they are parenting when they're not! A child can "parent the parents" on how to parent. All this, remarkably, while the child, not even for a second, assumes no responsibility to respect the needs and wishes of others.

There are many ways this is accomplished in homes. For now let me ask you, do you ever become "weary" of the fight? Do you ever just "give-in" to the demands of your son or daughter, just so there can be some "peace" at the end of the day? Then your child, regardless of age or weight beyond infancy, is using "shere fatigue", your fatigue, to train you in how he (or she) will be parented.

There are many other tricks used against parents to rob you of your empowerment as a parent. Not only from children, but also from the society we live in. ... More on this later. ...

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT

*October 11th*

In the "Parent Team Intervention Program" we believe that when a kid shows basic respect and honor to his parents or guardians, he or she is "protected" under that parental "umbrella of authority." One example of this is when a child continues angry defiance against parents, that child is left to depend upon his or her own "reasoning" to "make sense of the world."

All adults understand how confusing matters of the world can be. Think of how that is like for s newly maturing mind of a child or teenager. Because of this, when a son or daughter gives basic respect to the thoughts and feelings of his or her parents, that child can trust that the adults in charge in the family know best what decisions and actions are best for the problems in the world. Then, for the periods of childhood and adolescence, the young one has the luxury and safety to not "worry" about such complicated and profound matters. Instead he or she need only experience childhood and adolescence with all its enjoyments and opportunities as they happen daily towards personal growth.

"What about the war in Iraq," ... "World hunger", ... "Who will be our country's next president, and what will happen when that president is elected?" A child who has reasonable respect for mom and dad need not worry about such matters, for he or she knows decisions of this kind can be trusted to the more experienced intellects of father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, teacher, principal, pastor or priest.

Basically, if a child thinks his parents are "stupid", then that child's mind has no alternative but to default to solving major problems in life "alone" intellectually, before he has acquired coping skills to do so. This subtle, but stressful, mental experience is enough to drive any kid to anger, depression, drugs, fighting, arguing, defiance and many other bad decisions and behaviors.

Let's return to realizing the great honor of being a parent in our childrens' lives. And if they defy our healthy judgment, may we remember the valuable, God-given position we occupy.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
(Supervised by Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT)

*October 10th*

The role of victim is all too familiar to many of us. We've done the act, and we've done it well! Yes, we've been treated unjustly, - or we've thought we have. As a result, we have passively waited for circumstances to change. This we've done with the bottle, with the pills, or by blaming others for what has been our feelings and attitudes. Nothing was our fault. We were willing participants to victimization. This is not easy to accept, but is true nonetheless.

Now we choose to not be victims. Victims make bullies. Victims make bullies the kind of bullies victims want them to be. ... A bully will move from room to room. As he does so, that bully becomes the kind of bully each room full of victims want him to be. - Then who makes who?

Depression, and remaining helpless, may be what we think about often, but they need not become our state of mind. The answer is, and always will be, responsible action in taking management of our lives and what we expect from others.

Today stretches before me an unknown quantity. Concerns will crowd upon me, but guidance regarding the best action to take, one moment at a time, is within my power by the grace of God.

[By Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI (Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MFT)]

*October 9th*

Philosophers, clear back to the ancient Greeks, have always made much of the idea of correcting bad habits by daily practice of good ones. We cannot go on functioning as we have been, impulsively and automatically, if we hope to improve our lives.

If we really want peace of mind, the first thing we must know is that it does not depend on conditions "outside" us, but conditions that are "inside" us. An honest look at our own motives may show that we relish our martyrdom, or that we fear subconsciously that we deserve the pain we create.

When we find the causes of our distress and frustration, we can establish correcting habits to overcome them.

Today's Reminder
A program of self-recognition and self-change "reads easy", but "does hard." Many failures come from trying to do too much too fast, and from expecting results overnight. I will search out just one fault, one bad habit, and work to eliminate that one. As I observe the changes this effort brings about in my outside circumstances, I will find the courage to keep on changing myself for the better. This, in turn, will also influence for the better both my spouse and children.

"It is no easy thing for a principle to become a man's own, unless each day he maintain it and work it out in his life." (Epictetus)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]