*December 6th* (with video)

TIPS FOR BEING A LIGHT-HEARTED PARENT

I’ve been working on being a more light-hearted parent: less nagging, more laughing. Here are some tips—many suggested by friends—that have helped.

1. At least once a day, make each child helpless with laughter.

2. Folk wisdom holds that unless you want to do something every day, never do it three times in a row (In the same day). ...

3. Sing in the morning. It’s hard both to sing and to maintain a grouchy mood, and it sets a happy tone for everyone—particularly in my case, because I’m tone deaf and my audience finds my singing a source of great hilarity.

4. Get enough sleep. It’s so tempting to stay up late, to enjoy the peace and quiet. But 6:30 a.m. comes fast.

5. I’m often crabby with my children when I’m actually annoyed with myself. I forgot to buy more diapers for the Little Girl, so I snap at the Big Girl. Because I’m not good at concealing crankiness, I try to avoid feeling cranky by getting organized the night before, making sure I’m not rushed, etc.

6. I’ve been researching the “hedonic treadmill”: people quickly adapt to new pleasures or luxuries, so it takes a new pleasure to give them a jolt of gratification. As a result, I’ve cut back on treats and impulse buys. The ice-cream sandwich or the Polly Pockets set won’t be an exciting treat if it isn’t rare.

7. Most messages to kids are negative: “stop,” “don’t,” “no.” So I try to cast my answers as “yes.” “Yes, we’ll go as soon as you’ve finished eating,” not “We’re not leaving until you’ve finished eating.” It’s not easy to remember to do this, but I’m trying.

8. One friend prods his children into cleaning their rooms by telling them, “I’m going to clean your room unless you want to.” They can’t stand the thought of him messing with their stuff, so they take over. The Big Girl doesn’t care if I clean up her room, so this threat doesn’t make her do any cleaning, but then at least she can’t protest at how I’ve done it.

9. Repetition works with kids, so use the school mantras: “Sit square in your chair;” “accidents will happen,” “you get what you get, and you don’t get upset” (i.e., when cupcakes or shakers or whatever are handed out, you don’t keep trying to switch).

10. Make up your own mantras. A friend told me he was yelling at his kids too much, so he distilled all rules of behavior into four key phrases: “keep your hands to yourself”; “answer the first time you’re asked”; “ask first”; and “stay with us” (his kids tended to bolt).

11. Say “no” only when it really matters. Wear a bright red shirt with bright orange shorts? Sure. Put water in the toy tea set? Okay. Sleep with your head at the foot of the bed? Fine. Samuel Johnson said, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.”

12. When I find myself thinking, “Soon, no more stroller,” or “Soon, no more high chair,” I remind myself how fleeting this is. All too soon the age of Cheerios and the Tooth Fairy will be over. The days are long, but the years are short.

We all want a peaceful, cheerful, even joyous, atmosphere at home—but we can’t nag and yell our way to get there. It's taking me a lot of effort to alter my parental habits, but even minor changes have made a big difference. So think about ways, like those listed above, to cut back on the shouting and to add moments of laughing, singing, and saying “yes.”

Website: http://www.gretchenrubin.com

Biography
ABOUT ME
I'm Gretchen Rubin.

I started out as a lawyer. At Yale Law School, I was editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal and won a writing prize. I went on to clerk for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor on the U.S. Supreme Court.

I had a great experience in law, but I realized that what I really wanted to do was to write. Since making the switch, I’ve published four books. I’m currently working on The Happiness Project. It will hit the shelves in late 2009 (HarperCollins).

Raised in Kansas City, I now live in New York City with my husband and two young daughters.

My only hobbies are reading and writing—and helping other people clean out their closets. I’m left-handed, terrible at sports, tone-deaf, a constant hair-twister, and afraid to drive. I talk to my parents and my sister all the time, and I live around the corner from my in-laws.

EMAIL ME
grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]
(I added brackets to thwart spammers, but just use the usual email format.)

ABOUT MY BOOKS
Most recently, PROFANE WASTE, a collaboration with artist Dana Hoey, examines the question of why owners choose to destroy their own possessions—and take great pleasure in doing so.

My bestselling FORTY WAYS TO LOOK AT WINSTON CHURCHILL and FORTY WAYS TO LOOK AT JFK are brief, unconventional biographies that explore the lives of these two great leaders and, at the same time, examine the limits of biography.

POWER MONEY FAME SEX: A USER'S GUIDE is biting social criticism in the form of a user’s manual.

I’ve talked to Matt Lauer on the Today Show and to Brian Lamb on Booknotes, been profiled in the New Yorker’s Talk of the Town, and done radio shows from the Leonard Lopate Show to Talk of the Nation to Voice of America. I’ve gotten starred reviews from Publishers Weekly and Kirkus. My first book was optioned by brilliant Hollywood writer Shawn Ryan (creator of The Shield and executive producer of The Unit).

I’ve also written three terrible novels that are safely locked in a desk drawer.

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