*October 1st*

Few of us are entirely free from a sense of guilt. We may be remorseful because of our words or actions or for things left undone. We may even feel guilty because of irrational or false accusations by someone acting selfishly in our family.

Yet, when I am troubled by a feeling of guilt, I cannot put into my day all I am capable of doing. I must rid myself of this guilt, not by pushing it inside, but by identifying the reason for it, and correcting the cause.

Free of this weight, I can put my all into my day's work and spiritual growth. Then I will have something worthwhile to give others, instead of concentrating on my own frustrations.

Today's Reminder
I will refuse to be troubled by an uneasy sense of guilt. I will track my feelings of guilt to its source, then make good any harm I have done. I will be most careful not to whitewash such feelings with self-justification and self-righteousness. That would only hamper everything I am trying to accomplish for the good of myself and others

"Keep yourself first in peace and then you will be able to bring others to peace. Have, therefore, a zeal in the first place over yourself ...".

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue MA, MFTI]

*September 30th*

Once there was a man whose beloved wife was transformed from the charming girl he had married into a sodden drunkard.

He was always angry and frustrated because he couldn't make her stop drinking. The more he tried, the worse she felt about it, thus, the more she drank. She was full of guilt and self-reproach because she left everything to him. He had to get the children ready for school, do the shopping, cook meals and clean house.

Then one day somebody told him about Al-Anon and other groups that give support in intervention. Although he felt his case was hopeless, he thought he'd try it anyway. As he read, asked question, and listened at meetings, he found he could get some perspective on his problems.

He stopped blaming himself for not being able to control his wife. He realized the children resented him because he was often cross and unreasonable, and that they loved their mama because she never scolded and they knew instinctively she was sick.

The husband and father began to consider his own needs for rest, quiet, and a bit of recreation. He arranged to have a housekeeper take over the home chores. He made many changes, but especially in his attitude toward his alcoholic wife.

After a spell of rebellion and resistance, she saw that she would have to get help.

(Note: This story, in all its aspects, has absolute relevance to how we respond in a healthy way to all dysfunctional family members in the Parent Team Intervention Program.)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Dat At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*September 29th*

The time I spend in reviewing the past, mourning over past mistakes and failures, is time lost. Our yesterdays have no importance except as experience in making today fruitful. ... Regrets and self-condemnation for what we did or left undone, only destroy the self-esteem we could derive from a "balanced" view of ourselves.

Today's Reminder
Regrets for hurtful things I have done to others may be healed by making amends as well as I can. Feeling bad for missed opportunities will vanish as I try to make wise choices today. Let me fill this one day with thoughts and actions that will lead me to have no need for regret. Let me undertake only as much as I can accomplish well, without haste or tension.

"Just for today, I will live through this one day only and not tackle all my problems at once. Those of the past need not concern me today; future problems can be faced at they arise."

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
(Book of Matthew)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*September 28th*

Perhaps the first thing we start looking for is how to get our spouse or children to change. The change we want, of course, is from "bad" behavior to "good" behavior, from "bad" decisions to "good" decisions. Another problem, however, is we want the change to happen "NOW!"

Certainly we want members of our family to create "coping skills" in addressing relationships and challenges in life appropriately. Obviously, when it is applicable, we wish for them to not rely on mood-altering substances as alcohol and illegal use of drugs. But if we "force" such change in our own anger and frustration, then we "rob" our loved one of the opportunity and integrity to "own" and "experience" that change on behalf of their own volition and effort.

Our responsibility is to love, forgive, but also absolutely not "Rescue" the loved one from experiencing the full blunt of his or her consequences. Actually, it must not matter to you which way they decide. Only then, will that one be free to look square in the face of what he or she is doing to cause those consequences.

Today's Reminder
I know I love my family, but from now on I will remember that true love is not insisting that another change and mature based on when "I" think they should. The only growth I have ever experienced, has always been in the midst of receiving some element of patience and forgiveness from both some person, as well as from God.

"Lord, help me trust that there is something in my loved one that wants to change, and let me remember that You are great enough to facilitate that change."

[Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*September 27th*

A person once said, "I tried to manage my husband's life, although not even able to manage my own. I wanted to get inside his brain and turn the screws in what I thought was the right direction. It took me a long time to realize that this was not my job. I just wasn't equipped for it. None of us are. So I began to turn the screws "in my own head" in the right direction. This has taught me a little more about managing my own life."

How this applies to being a parent is, you must be a parent who teachs your children accountability and responsible by their experiencing reasonable and certain consequences for poor decisions. This includes stopping the habit of asking them in frustration "why" they do the things they do.

Today's Reminder
If my life feels like it's becoming unmanageable, how can I get control? Am I being forced into doing things I don't want to do? If so, this will result in my losing my temper, contriving, conniving and scheming to make things work out the way I want them. My spouse and children will change and grow to higher levels of maturity, but possibly not at the precise moment I wish them too!

An honest effort to manage my own life will open many doors to me that my distorted thinking had kept closed.

"If you cannot make yourself such a one as you wish to be, how can you expect to change another to what you wish them to be?"
(Thomas A'Kempis)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*September 26th*

The great danger of allowing resentment in our minds and hearts is that it often leads to retaliation. We feel justified in "evening up the score" and "paying others back" for what they have done to us.

But how can I logically punish someone for what he or she did to me when I cannot fathom the motives of another person? Maybe the hurt was not intended. Possibly I am over-sensitive. Either way, the behavior is the other person's and not mine. It is said that we remedy our wrongs of the past by overlooking the wrongs of others in the present. Only then, when we are right, can we continue to hold truth in the right way.

Today's Reminder
When I make my decisions to act in response to others, it is vital that I do so absent out-of-control frustration and anger. The occasion of judgment is for God alone. "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord." Therefore any attempt at retaliation for an injury can only produce poor circumstances for me.

"In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments. There are only consequences." (Robert G. Ingersoll)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*September 25th*

Someone once said, "The hardest thing for me to learn is to stop imagining that I can figure out why my spouse or children act the way they do. I catch myself automatically jumping to conclusions about their motives. I know in my heart that I can't read their minds, and that whatever I believe they are thinkingis all wrong. Even at their worst moments, the times when I'm exasperated to the point of fury, how can I know what each member of my family really wishes to do if they only knew how?"

Nobody but God understands what goes on inside another human being. Let's not try to "play God" to our troubled family when those in our family are hurt, confused and even angry. Let's not examine them as we would a bug under a microscope. I always want to remember that every human being must be respected for his or her own individuality, no matter how battered their sense of self might be at times.

Today's Reminder
I will, today and from now on, examine my own role in all my confusion and despair. If I do this honestly, I will come to realize that I am not blameless, that there is much to be changed in me.

"How can another think the way I think, or do just what I would do?
(I will remember, day by day, ‘My love, I am not you!')"

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]