Parent Team Readings

December 7th (with video)

2007-12-05T10:25:00.000-08:00

Watch video, then read writing.
(The writing is a second way to read this interesting poem.)

*****

Blind Men and the Elephant (a.k.a., "Blindmen")
(by John Godfrey Saxe)

(American poet John Godfrey Saxe (1816-1887) based this poem, "The Blind Men and the Elephant", on a fable that was told in India many years ago. It is a good warning about how our sensory perceptions can lead to misinterpretations.)

It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind

The First approached the Elephant,
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl:
“God bless me! but the Elephant
Is very like a wall!”

The Second, feeling of the tusk,
Cried, “Ho! what have we here
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me ’tis mighty clear
This wonder of an Elephant
Is very like a spear!”

The Third approached the animal,
And happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands,
Thus boldly up and spake:
“I see,” quoth he, “the Elephant
Is very like a snake!”

The Fourth reached out an eager hand,
And felt about the knee.
“What most this wondrous beast is like
Is mighty plain,” quoth he;
“ ‘Tis clear enough the Elephant
Is very like a tree!”

The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,
Said: “E’en the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most;
Deny the fact who can
This marvel of an Elephant
Is very like a fan!”

The Sixth no sooner had begun
About the beast to grope,
Than, seizing on the swinging tail
That fell within his scope,
“I see,” quoth he, “the Elephant
Is very like a rope!”

And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong!

Moral:

So oft in theologic wars,
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen!

December 6th (with video)

2007-12-05T09:43:00.000-08:00

TIPS FOR BEING A LIGHT-HEARTED PARENT

I’ve been working on being a more light-hearted parent: less nagging, more laughing. Here are some tips—many suggested by friends—that have helped.

1. At least once a day, make each child helpless with laughter.

2. Folk wisdom holds that unless you want to do something every day, never do it three times in a row (In the same day). ...

3. Sing in the morning. It’s hard both to sing and to maintain a grouchy mood, and it sets a happy tone for everyone—particularly in my case, because I’m tone deaf and my audience finds my singing a source of great hilarity.

4. Get enough sleep. It’s so tempting to stay up late, to enjoy the peace and quiet. But 6:30 a.m. comes fast.

5. I’m often crabby with my children when I’m actually annoyed with myself. I forgot to buy more diapers for the Little Girl, so I snap at the Big Girl. Because I’m not good at concealing crankiness, I try to avoid feeling cranky by getting organized the night before, making sure I’m not rushed, etc.

6. I’ve been researching the “hedonic treadmill”: people quickly adapt to new pleasures or luxuries, so it takes a new pleasure to give them a jolt of gratification. As a result, I’ve cut back on treats and impulse buys. The ice-cream sandwich or the Polly Pockets set won’t be an exciting treat if it isn’t rare.

7. Most messages to kids are negative: “stop,” “don’t,” “no.” So I try to cast my answers as “yes.” “Yes, we’ll go as soon as you’ve finished eating,” not “We’re not leaving until you’ve finished eating.” It’s not easy to remember to do this, but I’m trying.

8. One friend prods his children into cleaning their rooms by telling them, “I’m going to clean your room unless you want to.” They can’t stand the thought of him messing with their stuff, so they take over. The Big Girl doesn’t care if I clean up her room, so this threat doesn’t make her do any cleaning, but then at least she can’t protest at how I’ve done it.

9. Repetition works with kids, so use the school mantras: “Sit square in your chair;” “accidents will happen,” “you get what you get, and you don’t get upset” (i.e., when cupcakes or shakers or whatever are handed out, you don’t keep trying to switch).

10. Make up your own mantras. A friend told me he was yelling at his kids too much, so he distilled all rules of behavior into four key phrases: “keep your hands to yourself”; “answer the first time you’re asked”; “ask first”; and “stay with us” (his kids tended to bolt).

11. Say “no” only when it really matters. Wear a bright red shirt with bright orange shorts? Sure. Put water in the toy tea set? Okay. Sleep with your head at the foot of the bed? Fine. Samuel Johnson said, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.”

12. When I find myself thinking, “Soon, no more stroller,” or “Soon, no more high chair,” I remind myself how fleeting this is. All too soon the age of Cheerios and the Tooth Fairy will be over. The days are long, but the years are short.

We all want a peaceful, cheerful, even joyous, atmosphere at home—but we can’t nag and yell our way to get there. It's taking me a lot of effort to alter my parental habits, but even minor changes have made a big difference. So think about ways, like those listed above, to cut back on the shouting and to add moments of laughing, singing, and saying “yes.”

Website: http://www.gretchenrubin.com

Biography
ABOUT ME
I'm Gretchen Rubin.

I started out as a lawyer. At Yale Law School, I was editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal and won a writing prize. I went on to clerk for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor on the U.S. Supreme Court.

I had a great experience in law, but I realized that what I really wanted to do was to write. Since making the switch, I’ve published four books. I’m currently working on The Happiness Project. It will hit the shelves in late 2009 (HarperCollins).

Raised in Kansas City, I now live in New York City with my husband and two young daughters.

My only hobbies are reading and writing—and helping other people clean out their closets. I’m left-handed, terrible at sports, tone-deaf, a constant hair-twister, and afraid to drive. I talk to my parents and my sister all the time, and I live around the corner from my in-laws.

EMAIL ME
grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]
(I added brackets to thwart spammers, but just use the usual email format.)

ABOUT MY BOOKS
Most recently, PROFANE WASTE, a collaboration with artist Dana Hoey, examines the question of why owners choose to destroy their own possessions—and take great pleasure in doing so.

My bestselling FORTY WAYS TO LOOK AT WINSTON CHURCHILL and FORTY WAYS TO LOOK AT JFK are brief, unconventional biographies that explore the lives of these two great leaders and, at the same time, examine the limits of biography.

POWER MONEY FAME SEX: A USER'S GUIDE is biting social criticism in the form of a user’s manual.

I’ve talked to Matt Lauer on the Today Show and to Brian Lamb on Booknotes, been profiled in the New Yorker’s Talk of the Town, and done radio shows from the Leonard Lopate Show to Talk of the Nation to Voice of America. I’ve gotten starred reviews from Publishers Weekly and Kirkus. My first book was optioned by brilliant Hollywood writer Shawn Ryan (creator of The Shield and executive producer of The Unit).

I’ve also written three terrible novels that are safely locked in a desk drawer.

*******

December 4th (with video)

2007-12-03T10:36:00.000-08:00

VIDEO REVIEW
Watch video, then read the short writing.
(This video and writing will also be in the
"selected children and teen portion for today.)

*****

To begin with, let's admit to a dirty little secret, "Everybody" has an anger problem under various, specific and particular circumstances. Only with some people, anger in their lives is obvious, while with others, anger is contained, controlled and masked, often through power or position, in thier jobs, family and ongoing relationships. ... Passive anger versus aggressive anger.

Anger is not emotion, it is instead a "combination of emotion plus logic" that too often results in "illogic" and illogical reactions. Yet, as our video shows us today, in its corrupting forms of harming ourselves and others, anger is instinctively used by we people to avoid awareness of emotion, weakness, pain and loneliness inside us.

Let us not ignore what is inside us. Instead we can listen very closely, then know what is behind our sometimes harsh responses.

[Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]

December 3rd (with video)

2007-12-02T20:53:00.000-08:00

Do you ever stop to remember the people who have loved you in your life? People who have appreciated you and valued you. Don't kid yourself, there "have been"and "are" those times and those people. Only we who are human tend not to take time to remember, we so often remember only what is negative, all the while we thirst for the memories, the words, that were good. Why do we too often batter ourselves with guilt, and measure ourselves in expectations beyond our limits?

Remember every moment of your life when someone said something of you that was good and true. They are moments you need to think of sometimes, because as you know, the world can be cold, cruel, confusing, and often, very, very negative.

Let the memories, the good ones, melt into your heart. Plant them, let them seed. grow and flourish, ... to give you strength. When you do this, and never stop, you will feel strength, a good strength inside you.

After this, again and again, look to see who around you needs something good and true said about them. When you tell that woman, that man, that boy or girl those true things that are good about them, tell them also to not forget the moment.

[Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]

*******

This same writing and video will also be in today's
"Selected Child And Teen Reading", because of the
significance of this specific message.

December 2nd (with video)

2007-11-30T22:32:00.000-08:00

Watch the video, then read the short writing.

*******

"Each day as you wake up, make the decision to strive to do what's right.

Approach your life as you would your game....

...when you make a mistake, learn from it, correct it, and get ready for the next point. Life moves too fast to sulk and dwell on the past.

...when you're down, fight harder to get back on top. Life is full of hardships. Fight hard against those feelings of despair.

...when you're doing everything right and still can't win, be patient. No matter how good we are or how hard we struggle to make the right decisions, life often makes us wait.

...when you are on top of your game, relax and enjoy it. Life is fully appreciated when we survive adversity and can relax in the sunlight of success.

Each sunrise brings a new opportunity. No matter how bad the day before was, today is brand new. When you wake up, seek the strength and courage to do the right thing."

(Aaron Billinger)

December 1st (with video)

2007-11-30T13:12:00.000-08:00

As a mom or dad, a wife or husband, do you ever feel weak, having doubt that you can be as strong as you must be at times? Certainly you do. We "all" do. Only some try to cover their vulnerabilities, their moments of poor confidence, pretending such experience does not exist.

But we, people who feel weak sometimes, are the very people God uses. - Uses to be the most loving and strong parents, spouses and teachers, at times when it really counts.

Don't be surprised if you have doubt at times. Only when you feel doubt, know, even in feeling it, that doubt will fly away and you will be strong again.

In this world there are so many experts. - "Experts" on how you should live your life, ... and how you should parent your children. But what rings true to what you feel inside you?

Don't fear doubt when it comes. Look back at your life, past events when you survived when you thought you would not. But you did, ... rather remarkably I might add.

In parenting sometimes we must be loving, sometimes strong, holding to principles that are proven truth.

Understand it is not all up to you, but do what you can one day at a time, in quiet and certain confidence.

(Jim Hogue, MA, MFT)

*******

November 30th (with video)

2007-11-29T21:43:00.000-08:00

This video from the Parent Digest library has proven valuable to many parents. As a result, please review it today, and read the writing afterwards.
(This video will also be provided for the selected child/teen reading on this date.)

*****

Mom and dad, recall if it is not a fact that you have been manipulated and controlled in the past in the precise manner here explained by Counselor Connie Podesta. Possibly by others, but especially likely by children of all ages who want their own way at all costs.

Connie says, "Difficult people are great actors." ... "Difficult people have an act." ... "Knowing this, we can have control of who will treat us this way, and who will not."

Let me add, when a group of loving adults band together to hold angry youth accountable, we will succeed practically 100% of the time. This is what we do in the "Parent Team Intervention Program." As a team, we see that a boy or girl
s rage or pretended victimhood, is only an act. In time (and not too long), each kid realizes that together, we are smart enough to see through a game when it is played.

Stop allowing yourself to be dominated and confused, either aggressively or passively. Remember, "you" are the parent. Hold that sacred position in love, strength and insight. Your rebellious young one will be better for it.

(Jim Hogue, MA, MFT)

Should Parents Lie To Their Kids?

2007-11-28T22:28:00.000-08:00

From Crackle: Why parents should lie to their kids!

November 28th (with video)

2007-11-27T22:26:00.000-08:00

HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE LOVE?

There are times when we are timid and shy about expressing the love we
feel. For fear of embarrassing the other person, or ourselves, we
hesitate to say the actual words "I love you." So we try to
communicate the idea in other words.

We say 'take care' or 'don't drive too fast' or 'be good.' But really,
these are just other ways of saying 'I love you,' 'you are important
to me,' 'I care what happens to you,' 'I don't want you to get hurt.'

We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say,
and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don't say.
And yet, because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so
strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we
really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all
and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.

Therefore, we have to LISTEN FOR LOVE in the words that people are
saying to us. Sometimes the explicit words are necessary, but more
often, the manner of saying things is even more important. A joyous
insult carries more affection and love within the sentiments which are
expressed insincerely. An impulsive hug says I LOVE YOU even though
the words might be saying very different.

Any expression of a person's concern for another says I love you.
Sometimes the expression is clumsy, sometimes even cruel. Sometimes we
must look and listen very intently for the love that it contains. But it
is often there, beneath the surface.

A mother may nag her son constantly about his grades or cleaning his
room. The son may hear only the nagging, but if he listens carefully, he will hear the love underneath the nagging. His mother wants him to
do well, to be successful. Her concern and love for her son
unfortunately emerge in her nagging. But it is love all the same.

A daughter comes home late, way past her curfew, and her father
confronts her with angry words. The daughter may hear only the anger,
but if she listens carefully, she will hear the love under the anger.
"I was worried about you," the father is saying. 'Because I care
about you and I love you. You are important to me.

We say I love you in many ways-with birthday gifts, and little notes,
with smiles and sometimes with tears. Sometimes we show our love by
just keeping quiet and not saying a word, at other times by speaking
out, even brusquely. We show our love sometimes by impulsiveness.
Many times we have to show our love by forgiving someone who has not
listened to the love we have tried to express.

The problem is listening for love is that we don't always understand
the language of love which the other person is using. A girl may use
tears or emotions to say what she wants to say, and her boyfriend may not
understand her because he expects her to be talking his language.
Thus, we have to force ourselves to really listen for love.
The problem with our world is that people rarely listen to each other.
They hear the words, but they don't listen to the actions that
accompany the words or the expression on the face. Or people listen
only for rejection or misunderstanding. They do not see the love that
is there just beneath the surface, even if the words are angry.

We have to listen for love in those around us. If we listen intently
we will discover that we are a lot more loved than we realize.

Listen for love and we will find that the world is a
very loving place after all.
*******

November 27th (with video)

2007-11-26T08:00:00.000-08:00

Wishing to encourage her young son's progress on the piano, a mother took her boy to a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted a friend in the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her. Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the little boy rose and eventually explored his way through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE."

When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that the child was missing.

Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep Playing." Then leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in the bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child and he added a running obbligato.

Together, the old master and the young novice transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. The audience was mesmerized. The young boy we see and hear playing the piano now on the video provided, could well have been the mother's son some time after that grand experience.

Remember, providence is also involved in the raising of your children. There is God, and there are others to support you. Think of this often. As you do so, be strong, moment by moment, and perform your task of parenting with hope, faith, and great diligence.

*****

November 26th (with video)

2007-11-25T13:23:00.000-08:00

Watch video, then read today's writing.
This video will also be in the "Teen Daily Reading".
(Perhaps not appropriate for younger children.)

*******

This video remarkably depicts the complicated effects of "enmeshment" in relationships. Seems today we cannot seem to bond in friendship or intimate love, without "losing our identities in the other". However, this only cripples us as individuals, and limits us from being what we can for others, ourselves and God.

We parents can easily become enmeshed in those around us, as our children also become enmeshed in systems of the world that support them in defiance against we parents.

Here are two outlines which briefly define enmeshment from a "family" perspective.

[Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]

November 25th (with video)

2007-11-25T12:04:00.000-08:00

A person once remarked that the main source of our unhappiness is that we ourselves don't know what we want. We think we're dissatisfied with what we have, with the way we live, and the way other people act toward us. He suggested that each person dig down deep to see what we really feel would bring us contentment.

If this self-searching reveals only that we are disgruntled because we feel we deserve a better car, a bigger house or more money, we must dig still deeper for the real cause. Is it envy of others? Is it our inability to enjoy fully what we do have? Do we, in defense of our own shortcomings, look for excuses to blame others?

I can find serenity only by rooting out my discontent. I must acknowledge to myself the real reasons why I react as I do. Am I doing my share? If not, my dissatisfaction may be due to unrecognized guilt. Is it difficult for me to feel and express appreciation? I will try to develop a sense of gratitude. Do I expect others to behave according to my expectations?

It really adds up to this: That we're not satisfied with ourselves, and we can certainly do something about that."

[Taken from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon",
and improvised by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]

November 24th (with video)

2007-11-23T11:55:00.000-08:00

How to bake a cake:

1. Preheat oven; get out utensils and ingredients.

2. Remove blocks and toy autos from table.

3. Grease pan, crack nuts.

4. Measure two cups of flour, remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby, re-measure flour.

5. Put flour, baking power, and salt in sifter.

6. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on the floor. Get another bowl

7. Answer doorbell

8. Return to kitchen, remove baby's hands from bowl. Wash baby.

9. Answer phone.

10. Return.

11. Remove one-fourth inch salt from greased pan. Look for baby.

12. Grease another pan.

13. Answer telephone.

14. Return to kitchen and find baby. Remove his hands from bowl.

15. Take up greased pan and find layer of nutshells in it. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.

16. Return contents to bowl, mix and place in cooking pan.

17. Have baby watch you place cooking pan in 375 degree oven. While doing so, hold baby a safe distance from oven.

18. Give baby a bath, and change clothes.

19. Take cake from oven and let cool while changing baby's diaper.

20. Wash kitchen floor, table, walls, dishes.

21. Hold baby and feed the baby the cake.

22. Watch your baby smile. Let yourself feel affection.

Remember, there is no vocation in life so great as being a parent. God bless you!!!

[Source unknown. Improvised by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
*******

November 23rd (with video)

2007-11-22T22:13:00.000-08:00

This was the family of the well known concentration camp survivor, Ms. Corrie ten Boom. In her book "The Hiding Place", she relates the story of a conversation she once had with her father while traveling:

"'Father, what is sex sin?'

My father turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.

'Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?' he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.

'It's too heavy,' I said.

'Yes,' he said. 'And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.'

And I was satisfied. More than satisfied -- wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions -- but now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping."

Here we see Corrie ten Boom posing in the very room where she and her family found "a hiding place" until they were finally captured and placed in a concentration camp during World War II.

For more information on her life, click on:
"The Secret Room", The Story of Corrie ten Boom

Perhaps we all agree we have much to be thankful for. By this same principle, the energy and insight we exercise to parent our children, no matter how difficult the task may be at times, is well worth our effort in the end.

Note also how Ms. Boom's trust in her father as a youth to answer for her the question, "What is sexual sin?", is a good example for parenting today. Contrary to what is taught in our society, our children do not have to know "everything" that is in the world before they are of an age to properly understand them. The "umbrella of parental authority" can be a place of safety until the child is mature, and governed by his or her own conscience and established morality.

[Jim Hogue, MA, MFT]
*******

November 22nd (with video)

2007-11-21T13:21:00.000-08:00

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his masters house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your masters house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts." The pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the masters house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the bearer for its failure

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pots side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my masters table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We re all cracked pots. But in God's great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.

[Source of story is unknown. Improvised by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
*******

November 21st (with video)

2007-11-20T23:39:00.000-08:00

Watch video, then read the writing.
(Share both videos with teen or child if you wish.)

*****
Many of us have fond, yet mixed emotions when we think of John Denver.
So many were sad upon the brilliant singer's unfortunate death years ago off the coast of California in a small plane he formerly helped build.

Here he sings of love in one of many song he personally wrote. John Denver did so in a way that was often so common to him.

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then each day the number of times the boy lost his temper gradually decreased. Over time he discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to walk back to the fence and drive those nails with the hammer.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day he was able to hold his temper.The days passed and the young boy was eventually able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just these. With your words you can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say 'I'm sorry', the wound will still be there."

To close today we have another video with John Denver singing the same song as shown above. This time he begins by speaking of his feelings upon the death of his father.
Click on: John Denver sings "PERHAPS LOVE" speaking of father 1982

[Source of writing unknown. Improvized by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT]

November 20th (with video)

2007-11-19T12:51:00.000-08:00

Watch the video first,
then read the writing that comes afterwards.

OK, so we have in this short film animation, a continuation of what possibly happened to the "Tin Man" after he received his "heart" from "The Wizard Of Oz". Of course the Tin Man went on merrily on his way, right? Well, we see here that it was only soon after that he mishandled what was given him.

Here he is walking down the road minding his own business, pleasant as he can be, then suddenly he notices a "pretty robot" and instantly gives her his heart.

Who of us haven't done this at some time in our lives!!!

Well, surprise-surprise, the girl robot misuses the Tin Man's heart. Possibly the heart given her did not provide all she wanted, so she plays with the heart, summarily abuses it, then hurls it as far away from as she can throw it! Interestingly, the heart, upon being thrown, smacks another girl robot on the head injuring her.

Yet, girl robot number two, even after being damaged by the hit, treats the Tin Man's heart with remarkable care and concern, a marked contrast to girl robot number one. Soon she gently gives the Tin Man's heart back to him, for him to protect and do with it what he will.

What was the difference between Tin Women numbers one and two? Well, the second girl robot was kind and thought of others before herself. ... After this that girl robot and Tin Man walked away into the sunset together. (Or, actually, I think I added the sunset.)

It is interesting how life is made complicated by our decision to give our hearts to the wrong people. For some of us it has taken "years" for it to dawn on us that love is a decision, and that giving our hearts whimsically to the first attractive person we see is out-right dangerous. What is more, it is never healthy to "lose ourselves" in other people. It leaves us debilitated, broken and "unable" to give in the way God wants. (Translated, this means "co-dependancy".)

On a final note, understand that each day, only the "Teen Daily Reading" selections will be including short films of this nature almost constantly. This is to assist in drawing the attention of the youth to the Teen Daily Readings, as well as giving them more to contemplate and talk about after they do their reading.(Perhaps you as a parent or guardian can join your teen or child in watching the short films as they appear in the Teen selections, then afterwards as is our practice, have your son or daughter read the writing aloud so that you know they are at least completing their daily reading.

(I'm noticing that the writing of articles and selecting pertinent videos to accompany them, is probably a two year project before the year long daily readings are satisfactorily completed. Of course after this, the entire reading and viewing as a set will continue to be available year after year in support of the "Parent Team Intervention Program".

[Writing itself was written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

November 19th (with video)

2007-11-18T19:09:00.000-08:00

There is something both adults and children do at times. Some people know they do it, some don't. It brings pain when it is done to others. The resulting sadness can at times be very great.

It is when we rob people of believing in themselves.

Perhaps we do it to makes us feel stronger. Sometimes it is trying to get something. It can be for a toy, to avoid an embarrassment, or, to give up parenting or get a divorce?

As a counseling therapist, I know not everything is always how it first appears. Sometimes one person wants a divorce, but rather than admit it, they act in a way so the other person leaves them. The way he or she does this, is by robbing the other of their fundamental right of self-confidence, self-respect, and self-belief. Then, that person makes it look like it is the other persons fault and what they rightly deserve.

The game is played in many ways and for many reasons. Like, expecting too much from your child, because deep down you know there were times "you" failed in life when you should have succeeded. Or when your parents are old, you limit them in believing in themselves, trying for their dreams, because you are resentful and blame them for how you think they treated you when you were a child. Tricks like this can be done, while at the same time convincing the world you're your parents greatest Rescuer when you're not.

Yes, the world is full of toxic behaviors by people claiming to do good, when instead, they perpetrate harm. One way of doing this is by robbing people of believing in themselves, even in the simple things that define human integrity. After this done, it is easy to manipulate and control to get what that person want by stealth and deception.

In the "Parent Team Intervention Program" we hold kids accountable for poor behavior, but the process of doing so is always in the loving hunt for each child's dignity, conscience and personal respect.

Now, for the video of today, please click on:
"IF NOBODY BELIEVED IN YOU" by Joe Nichols.

[Writing by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

November 18th (with video)

2007-11-16T22:12:00.000-08:00

If you are in the "Parent Team Intervention Program" you've heard me occasionally refer to the life principle, "The very thing that appears to be a person's greatest weakness, is precisely where is that person's greatest strength." A kind of "diamond-in-the-rough" if you will.

One of many examples of this is in the story of a 10-year-old boy who decided to study Judo despite the fact that he had lost his right arm in a devastating car accident.

The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. Over time he did well, so he couldn't understand why, after many long months of training, the master had taught him only one move.

"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?"

"This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied.

Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.
Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy naturally used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.

This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the young man with one arm might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.

"No," the sensei insisted, "Let him continue."

Soon after the match resumed, the larger of the fighters made a critical mistake, - he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used the one move he knew how to use to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion. His one arm was raised in victory with utter amazement on the face of this winner.

On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what had been troubling him.

"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?"

"You won for two reasons," the sensei answered. "First, you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your right arm!"

The boy's biggest weakness had become his greatest strength.

I tell you, think about it. Psychologically, in the area where you usually judge yourself weakest, when someone of value believes in you, and you release all anger and resentment, you discover the very quality you believed was weak, was your greatest strength all along!

More will be said about this in the future, but for now, if it is not too early in the morning and you can stand some energetic music, click on:
"CHARLIE THE KARATE CHIMP VIDEO"
for another interesting comparison!!!

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

*******

November 17th (with video)

2007-11-16T00:52:00.000-08:00

No man can ever be everything that is a mother. Yet, at the same time, no matter how hard we try, no woman can be everything that is a "father".

Today we have a video of Chet Atkins playing and singing the song "I Still Can't Say Goodbye" (In 1968). Someone once said one reason it is important that children outlive their parents, is so that when their parents leave them in death, the children can more completely realize how much the parents meant to them.. Maybe, in a way, it is a natural stage we go through.

In a special way, this is true especially of fathers. As we said, no mother can be a father, no matter how hard she tries. A father need not say much, his power may only be in a glance. And there's something about his presence that speaks volumes.

It can almost be in doing anything. Fishing, cooking pancakes, watching a ball game, talking about the weather or repairing something. It just in doing things, and that he's there.

Some of us don't have fathers. A few have just lost one. No matter our age, when it happens, we feel something deep inside is greatly lost. Something that no other person, it seems, can ever quite replace. At least not in the same way and not in this life.

Your father could have been a good man or a bad man. It almost doesn't matter. In a way. What I mean is, in either case, one wonders deep in the soul, "What did my dad think of me?"

For some reason God allows this to have great power in our lives. No matter what.

In the Bible, as well as many cultures throughout the world, it has been, and remains to this day, a custom for sons and daughters to seek a "blessing" from the patriarch of the family. Upon leaving to be married, returning from war, having a first child and so on, ritualistically being blessed or "confirmed" is a moment sought immediately before leaving to ones home.

Strong and loving dads, each in their own way, having done all to stand when the going was tough, "blessing" a young man or woman with words like, "You know I wouldn't tell you this if it were not true. - No matter what anyone tells you, just remember that I love you and that I'm proud of the great job you're doing ." ... Wow, if that young adult has respect or honor for their father, even enough to fit in a thimble, he or she would walk away with confidence to conquer the world!

Finally, is your father gone? ... Well, did he go to a good place? Then in my personal opinion, he knows more about you now than he ever did. In a very real way, your dad is with you at this very moment, and that, because of the mercy, grace and power of God. My point is this. You can still show them both (I mean your dad and God), that because of them, and their watchful presence each day, you will become and be all they ever wished you to be.

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

*******

November 16th (with video)

2007-11-15T14:12:00.001-08:00

What are the character traits we parents wish to instill in our children that they may carry into the world they traverse? We think of faith in God, self-confidence, commitment, discipline, doing what is right, - things like that. Here, let's remember also the word "insight", the ability to observe the world around us, and look deeply behind events to understand them.

One way we teach insight to our children is by being insightful ourselves. Opportunities for learning happen around us daily. A bad experience between you and your child, events depicted on news programs, incidents at school or in the neighborhood.

The point is this, there is relevance in the statement from scripture, "The truth will set you free." Without truth, right-and-wrong, good-but-better, we and our children, both, would not have "handrails", as it were, with which to navigate ourselves mentally and physically through the complexity of what occurs unexpectedly in our path.

Thank God that all the convolutedness of the world is not too much for God to understand and take care of! Let us take time each day to pause and listen to the wisdom of a quiet voice inside us. That voice directs us to look below and behind what is seen only with looking closely. In addition, may we who are parents teach this ability, this insight, to our sons and daughters whenever possible.

For musical video click on: "'ONE VOICE' by Billy Gilman"

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFTI ]

November 15th (with video)

2007-11-14T12:03:00.000-08:00

If you are a parent, were a parent, or ever wish to be a parent, this is a warning!!!

If you sometimes feel you are going crazy, find solace in the extreme likelihood that you are "not".

Now, to preserve the state of my relationship and professional accreditation with the "California State Board of Behavioral Sciences", I will refuse to provide a theoretical premise for what I will now say. However, I cannot help but verbalize how it remains profoundly interesting the "Property Laws Of Children" listed below appear valid when we parents undertake the sometimes daunting endeavor to parent our young ones!!!

1. If I like it, it's mine!

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine!

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine!

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine!

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way!

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine!.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine!

8. If I saw it first, it's mine!

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine!

10. If it's broken, it's yours!

[ Provided by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Source of list unknown /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFTI ]

*******

November 14 (with video)

2007-11-13T01:37:00.000-08:00

During World War II six Navy pilots left their aircraft carrier on a mission. After searching the seas for enemy submarines, they tried to return to their ship shortly after dark. But the captain had ordered a blackout of all lights on the ship. Over and over the frantic pilots radioed, asking for just one light so they could see to land. But the pilots were told that the blackout could not be lifted. After several appeals and denials of their request, the ship's operator turned the switch to break radio contact--and the pilots were forced to ditch in the ocean.

As parents of children who often give trouble in their trek to adulthood, it is easy to feel hurt, unappreciated and lose hope. In the "PTI Program" we know and use the value of "team intervention" with a group of fellow parents and professionals to change our kids' harmful activity. With the principles and procedures we utilize, a renewal of hope and success in changing the behaviors of our children ensue. Yet, quite often, the process includes we parents letting go of our past doubt, fear and bitterness as the young ones in our families return to honoring and seeking our parental guidance.

I've seen it so often that, through calculated team-intervention, I know children will return to their proper healthy state if each parent will remain strong through decisions of reasonable consequences and management teamwork. However, when our children begin their path of healing, demonstrated by observable changes in behavior and decision making, let us be certain to let go of our past pain and resentment for how they harmed us. In the process, our children will be like "planes flying through the night, circling back seeking the ships they left for landing in safety."

Remember, no matter what, keep loving your child. Be strong as a father or mother, hold to what is right, but never give up cherishing the beauty inside your son or daughter.

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFTI ]

*******

November 13th (with video)

2007-11-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

My Polish wife tells the story of a man who was an officer in that country's military before the second world war. He, along with many hundreds of other officers, were commissioned on a peace keeping mission to Russia to deliberate with that country on the impending threat of Nazi Germany in Eastern Europe. Before the man left on his journey, his little boy asked him to please take with him a much cherished teddy-bear. The reason was because the officer's son wished to be remembered while his father was away on important business.

Appreciating the gesture, the father, took with him "one leg" of his son's teddy-bear. The father said to his child, "When I return, I will be sure to have with me the leg of your precious teddy-bear so I can repair it. ... By this we will know that we have once again united as a loving family."

The sad part of this story is that the father never returned. It turned out that the invitation for talks with the Russian government was a setup. Upon the arrival of the Polish officers to that country, the many hundreds were promptly lined up and shot.

Of course the little boy grew to be a man, all the time missing his father very much. Long years of investigations went on for proof of what did happen. Finally one day the mass graves of these large numbers of men were discovered. Excavation began, with meticulous examination of what remains belonged to whom.

In the case of this father, the news went out across the land that not only was evidence revealed of the final resting place of this son's father, but that also in the precise location was discovered the carefully preserved "leg of the child's teddy-bear". It is likely that upon his execution, the father grasped fondly the tangible, sacred connection with his son.

As fathers and mothers, grandfathers and grandmothers, the roller-coaster ride that is both precious and sometimes difficult in connection with our children, is a valuable part of our lives. Some say it is more. That it is the "very reason" for our existence.

As a parent or guardian, are you sometimes frustrated, confused, even hurt? Because of the actions of your young ones, are you occasionally disappointed or lonely?

Let me tell you to please not give up. Use the challenges to only make you stronger in your resolve to be the best father or mother you can be. Rise above it all like clouds peering down upon the earth. In eternity you will look back at all the trials and will not regret it.

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

*******

November 12th (with video)

2007-11-10T20:58:00.000-08:00

Our attitudes are usually conveyed to other people by what we say and do, - and how, "if the attitudes really reflect what we feel". Gentle actions and soft, courteous words may only counterfeit our true feelings. We may even "think" we have overcome resentment, self-righteousness and self-pity, but if they are still there inside us, they will in some mysterious way emanate from us and deny what we try to convey by our play-acting.

"How can he tell?" asks one family member to another. "I never raise my voice, never argue, try to do what he expects, and yet he's always challenging me!"

Today's Reminder
Merely to change my behavior, and what I say and do, does not prove a change of inward attitude. I am deceiving myself if I imagine I can completely disguise my real feelings. They will somehow come through, and prolong the hostility in my family. I must root out entirely the troublesome emotions I've been trying to hide.

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

*******

November 11th

2007-11-09T12:06:00.001-08:00

Sometimes we face unwanted chores and feel as if it is the last thing on earth we want to do. You know, things like mowing the lawn, doing the wash, cleaning the house, or dealing with complexities of living with family!

When this happens, we can follow a simple motto: "I don't feel like it—but I'm going to do it anyway." There is something about recognizing our lack of motivation and then choosing to be responsible that helps us follow through with duties before us.

God's value on faith and obedience can be seen in the parables of Jesus. Christ spoke about two sons who were asked to work in the vineyard. The first said no, but "...afterward he regretted it and went" (Mattew 21:29). The second said yes but did not follow through. Then the Lord asked His listeners, "Which of the two did the will of his father?" (v.31). The obvious answer is the one who finished the task.

Our Lord's illustration underscores a key spiritual principle. God is interested in our faith and obedience—not just our good intentions. It is interesting how perhaps "all" of us wrestle with feelings of not being motivated. The fact is, we do not need to place ourselves on a "guilt-trip" about it, as motivation problems are a part of being human. Still, when we are tempted to shirk our responsibilities, why not say, "I don't feel like it," and then ask God for the grace to do it anyway. There "is" strength in doing this. Try sometime, you will see.

[ Article concept by Dennis Fisher,
revised and submitted by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, Ma, MFTI ]

November 10th

2007-11-08T13:10:00.000-08:00

Not a year goes by without a natural disaster causing chaos somewhere in the world. Floods, hurricanes, and tsunamis destroy lives, homes, and livelihoods. No one would argue that the seas have a "right" to violate their established boundaries and crash across the coastline. In fact, people agree that disaster occurs whenever the sea breaches the shoreline. God Himself has "placed the sand as the bound of the sea" (Jer. 5:22).

God also established boundaries for human behavior. Yet not a day goes by without countless violations of His commands, resulting in disastrous physical and spiritual consequences. Amazingly, we often argue that we have the "right" to violate these boundaries.

In the days of the prophet Jeremiah, God's people had stepped out of bounds, using deceit to become rich and refusing to defend the needy (5:27-28). The result was disaster. God said, "Your sins have withheld good from you" (v.25).

Within creation there is inherent order. Violating it has inherent consequences. God in His kindness simply and lovingly communicated to us the order of things so that we can avoid those consequences. We are wise to know and to stay within His prescribed boundaries.

Do we each stop to notice, really notice, the subtle but very real pain in the eyes of our family when we react in anger or selfishness when things don't go our way? The pain in the eyes I am talking about, is easy to walk past and ignore. ... Yes, we love our spouse and children, but is it love when we cross boundaries in our relationships, and withhold our love? Even if the other is wrong in what they say or do, we ourselves can still love and honor the boundaries God has created for us to respect in each and every family relationship.

May God help us search within ourselves and see how sometimes our simplest actions, or reactions, effect people deeply.

[Written by Julie Ackerman Link,
added to by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

November 9th

2007-11-07T14:51:00.000-08:00

It is good for us to remember that so many parents these days are suffering a particular heartache in the process of curbing our children's unmanageable behavior. That is, that our sons and daughters poor decisions are initially changed by our parental enforcing "consequences", rather than by our reasonable and caring attempts to "explain" and "reason" with them.

It is so easy for we fathers and mothers to take this personally. Yet, I encourage you to remember that there is something different about our society in this day in time. Rebellion has a complexity to it now, that did not exist in many years past. As you've heard, our struggle is not so much with our children, than it is a struggle against a system that supports our children to rebel against us defiantly."

Find and use the support you need as a dad or mom. Remember, don't insist that you do this "parenting thing" alone. Sometimes you need others to build you up to your rightful authoritative position in the eyes of your children. One of many reasons for this, is because society, especially Western society, has created a Pseudo Individualism that is supposed to be the answer to all things, but instead brings many to fall.

"I pray for humility to accept the fact that I need help, and for the firmness of purpose to take action to get it. I ask for the aid of others, as well as from God, in striving for a better way of succeeding high above the challenges of my life."

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

November 8th

2007-11-07T14:46:00.000-08:00

If someone were to say to me: "Here is a medicine that can change your whole life for the better; it will put you in a state of relaxed serenity; help you overcome the nagging undercurrent of guilt for past errors, give you new insight into yourself and your spiritual value, and let you meet life's challenges with confidence and courage." Would I take it?

This is available to us if we do not cling to our burdens, our emotional upsets, family wrangling and wretchedness.

Today's Reminder
I will set aside a time each day to center my thoughts on what I can do to change my circumstances to the good. I will realize how constant self-examination maintains a healthy point of view.

It is no easy assignment, but life without good self-examination is not easy either. My choice will be to take this beneficial medicine and let its healing magic work in me.

"I pray that I may grow in my ability to use each day with poise, wisdom and a touch of humor. With God's help, I can teach myself not to turn little troubles into big ones."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

November 7th

2007-11-05T21:21:00.000-08:00

It is really a pity we cannot go to a market and buy ourselves a big chunk of "sense of humor" just as we would buy a package of yeast. They do about the same kind of thing. Yeast gives lightness and pleasant texture and taste to bread. A bit of humor works to lighten the heavy seriousness of our daily living, and the small or great trials and rough spots placed before us by those in our families.

Today's Reminder
I want to remember, every time I'm tempted to take a heavy, somber view of a situation, that it may not be so bad after all. Maybe, if I look closely, the incident may have an element of absurdity or even a relieving silliness. My mood makes the matter look black, when I could instead spark it with a dash of rosy pink.

I'll try to look for the things that can add humor to my life to offset the things that are solemn or troubling. I'll cultivate a knack for recognizing and enjoying humourous moments. This could be a constructive way of detaching my mind from my daily difficulties, and see that many events are not as negative as they initially appear.

"It is usually anxiety that bars us from seeing the lighter, brighter things of life. That anxiety exists in ourselves. Because of this, we have means to reject negativity's influence on the way we react to what happens around us."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

November 6th

2007-11-05T09:34:00.000-08:00

The topic today is on the little matter of "Stress". Actually, stress is not a little matter. Let's not fool ourselves, stress "kills" people in forms of heart disease, blood pressure and other medical conditions. Stress also effects our moods, energy level, as well as reactions to others inside and outside our families.

Remember, sometimes men, women and yes, even children, act and react in rage or isolation, related significantly to "stress" that is out of control or not within healthy management in our lives and bodies.

Today's "Daily Reading" is calling attention to a list of videos for your watching, entertainment and study on this web site "ParentDigest.Blogspot.com". (Currently this list is located at the bottom of the home page.)

Believe me, this is valuable stuff!!! ... One reason a "Stress Management Department" has been added to this "Parent Digest" site, is because "I myself" am in sore need of this attention without question, and perhaps immediately!!!

As a parent, and yes, even as a child or teenager, it can be helpful that we each remain cognizant of our own stress levels. "We need to give ourselves a break, man!" ... (Oh, and yes, I suppose give others a break to.) ... I mean, who really knows the degree of complicated tension, anxiety and worry other people suppress, and act out in strange ways!

Sometimes we can be "on edge." Do you remember being this way sometimes? Well, this alone can be a major contributor to a breakdown in coping skills. - Yours as well as your kids.

As a final note, videos on this subject will be added to the "Stress Management List" on a weekly basis. Please consult periodically. (Remember, scroll down the right side of the home page.)

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

November 5th

2007-11-04T15:44:00.000-08:00

Once a man died and found himself before the pearly gates of heaven. The man always wanted to go to heaven, but wasn't sure he would get there. He looked around, admired the scenery, then noticed St. Peter standing there. To him he asked, "What must I do to get into heaven?"

Peter replied, "All you need do is spell the word "love." The man was shocked and said, "I never realized it was so easy to get into heaven." ... "I can do that!" he went on, then he promptly spelled the world "L - O - V - E".

After this St. Peter said he had to take a break, so he asked the man if he would stand watch in his place until he returned, and simply ask people to do what he did. "Oh, yes", said the man. "I can do that. "Don't you worry!" the man said, as he promptly proceeded to perform his assigned task.

Person after person went by, each competently spelling the word "LOVE". Finally, to the man's utter amazement, his wife suddenly appeared at the head of the line!

"Honey, why are you here," the man exclaimed.

The woman answered, "Well, I was driving home after your funeral, then remarkably, another vehicle slammed into the side of me and I was killed!" She went on, "What must I do to get into heaven?" Her husband answered, "Spell Czechoslovakia!" ...

Now, there are three points to this story:

(1) This is "not" nice.
(2) In psychology this is called "passive aggressive behavior".
(3) Do not treat your spouse or kids this way.
(4) If you happen to be in the PTI Program, "PLEASE", whatever you do, "do not do this to me!!!"

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

November 4th

2007-11-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

A good thing to do sometimes, is to examine the age of your child now, and compare this with what was happening to you when you were that age. What I'm referring to is a possible kind of an "anniversary of trauma" in your own life. The human being is quite complex, and our behaviors and reactions can be effected by much more than we sometimes realize.

Is your child 3, 5, 12 or 14? Any age really. ... Were you abandoned or abused in any of a number ways in your history as a child? Do you see that the age of your child is the age of what you were then? If so, do not be surprised if you discover that you're reacting in isolating behavior or rage, different than you normally would, when your sons or daughters are at those times of their young development as you were. (I have found this to be true, not only in my own life as a parent, but also in the lives of a number fine people I have counseled through the years.)

What are you to do if you draw this comparison and find it valid? Well, you can apologize to your child. Speak frankly. When your son or daughter is age appropriate, explain to him or her the events that occurred around you when you were at that age. Thank them that you have the opportunity now to give your children more than you had when you were their age. What I mean is more love, more safety, more understanding and more guidance in a spirit of patience. It's interesting how kids respond to this kind of very real and very honest communication from their mom or dad.

(For the record, I'm not saying you should grabble, weep or beg for your kid's approval. No, absolutely not. Only practice such honorable amount of confession with your young one, then resume confidently and appropriately as his or her parent.)

Remember, there "can" be "anniversaries of trauma" that happen in your life. These echoes from the past can effect you more than you sometimes realize. Contemplate the connections to your own behaviors when they happen in relation to your children. Oh, and gratefully, thank God that our sons and daughters will have opportunity to witness your honesty. Surely this is a noble effort of modeling by a loving parent.

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]

Stress Tip #3, "Steer Clear of Negative People"

2007-11-02T23:22:00.000-07:00

Stress Tip #2, "Throw Something Away Every Day"

2007-11-02T23:18:00.000-07:00

Stress Tip #1, "Do One Thing At A Time"

2007-11-02T23:05:00.000-07:00

Stress Management (Part 3 of 3)

2007-11-02T10:26:00.001-07:00

Stress Management (Part 2 of 3)

2007-11-02T10:25:00.001-07:00

*Stress Management (Part 1 of 3)

2007-11-02T10:24:00.001-07:00

November 3rd

2007-11-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

We make a great number of decisions, - small day-to-day ones that are mere choices, all the way up to big resolutions to make important changes in our lives.

Little or big, they are better when we use whatever forethought the situation requires. If they are concerned with other people, it is well to include such ingredients as love, generosity, tolerance and just plain kindness. Then we will make decisions we can live with comfortably.

If the resolution we're about to make is highly charged with anger, resentment or bitterness, it would be wise to hold back until the hysteria has subsided and we have taken time to consider all the factors calmly.

Today's Reminder
I will remember that a decision I make in a time of crisis might not be the one I would make when the crisis is past. I will not rashly take a step which I may afterward regret.

"All our resolves and decisions are made in a mood or frame of mind which is certain to change." (Proust)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI /
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT]

November 2nd

2007-11-01T22:26:00.000-07:00

In the region where I live there are giant redwood trees. Walking in the forests of these giants is like walking into a fairytale land. As many times as I've done so, I remain amazed at the vast sights I behold!

Yet, it is interesting how you almost never find a great redwood tree standing alone. Why is this? One would think mighty roots of such a magnificent monster clings deeply and aggressively within earth, staunchly resisting endless storms!

But this is not the case. Redwood trees grow tall and grand, not because they grasp deeply in soil, but because their roots grow out from the tree they serve, while weaving its roots remarkably with roots of other Redwood trees. Only then, standing united, do numbers of redwood trees survive the occasional mighty winds of the American Pacific North Coast.

Some of life's greatest challenges requires "community" for "individuals" to survive. This is something difficult for those of us who find it easy being individuals doing our own thing privately. ... But look at the harm you do, a harm by omition if you will, for your not reaching out both for another's need, as well as the needs that are your own.

You cannot be a giant tree standing alone. Not even mighty redwoods do that!

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI/
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT]

November 1st

2007-11-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

It is said in the PTI Program that "Any ten adults are smarter than any one kid." This is one of many principles that run an intervention approach to changing the lives of youth.

Let's be honest, for most of us, the first time we heard this statement, we were not certain it was true! In the midst of living with a young man or young woman who is out of control, a parent or guardian can become quite confused, perplexed, - even angry. (I call it, "Being off center.")

But this "is" a confidence builder, that "Any ten adults is smarter than any one kid!" With all the experience a room full of adults bring from diversity and experience of their lives, it's interesting to hear the creative ideas that emerge in conversation regarding choices as to how to respond to problematic activity of children. The challenge of wondering what a parent can possibly do, shifts to that parent having to determine which of the "100" choices he or she suddenly realized is at his or her disposal!!!

Remember what you read yesterday. "Your struggle is not so much with your child, than it is with a system that supports your child in his or her defiance against you." There are many aspects to why participating in an "adult team" for support in intervention highly increases your chances to save your loved one.

Yes, it is common that parents can sometimes feel secretly inside them that some how their child is smarter than they are! But your son or daughter actually has very little confidence. He or she is still a kid. You see, the confidence you seem to observe in your child's defiance is a "pseudo confidence" based on "half-truths" given by a negative support network that wishes to use your child against you.

Don't fall for it. There "is" hope. - "Lots" of hope. ... However, the answer often lies in not doing it alone. ...

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI,
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT]

October 31st

2007-10-31T11:21:00.000-07:00

Parents in the Parent Team Intervention Program eventually find that behavior starts to change in their children the longer they participate in the program.. This brings to the dad, mom or guardian an interesting challenge. When children have been dominant, angry, rude even illegal in their actions in the past, and when change starts happen in the process of intervention, those very children, at some point, start to appear weak, - even vulnerable.

This is a time when it is necessary that the parent in the PTI program restrain from an instinct to race to "Rescue" the child from the experience of weakness. Experiencing vulnerability, the child realizing that the world does not operate on the terms that child has previously insisted, is a necessary stage on the path of that child's development, healing and growth. An event of a parent "swooping-in-to-save-the-child-from-experiencing-his-or-her-own-consequences," might seem innocent in the beginning, but robs the young one of the much awaited activity of learning.

Remember mom, remember dad, this is what you've wanted for a long time. That your child realize that the world in which you operate as his or her mother or father, is a world where things do not always go the way we want!

Be the "Director of your kid's intervention." Follow the coaching of the therapist. Rest and trust in the team dynamic of parents who have been there for you, and know how you feel because they've been there too. Trust God. Pray with confidence. Recall "it takes a system to change a system." Your struggle is not so much against your child, than it is "a struggle against a system that supports your child in his or her defiance." When you are a part of a "team", being a part of that team changes everything. It is then when every problem is in fact not a problem, but actually an opportunity.

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI.
... (Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT)]

October 16th

2007-10-15T21:16:00.001-07:00

Without faith in a power greater than myself, I am like a storm-tossed ship without a rudder. I am flung from one trouble to another; however bravely I may battle the elements, my own strength and wisdom are not enough.

All of us need something to cling to with absolute confidence. If I have been disillusioned by disappointments, or have been let down by someone I trusted, it makes me feel as though I were alone and vulnerable in a hostile world.

I will not deprive myself of God's help and guidance. I see it at work in the PTIP program, as we share knowledge, courage and hope with one another. Confidence and dignity are restored to us by the knowledge that we are God's children.

Today's Reminder
If my faith has been dimmed by disappointment, I can begin to regain it by clinging to a spiritual idea like the one expressed in the Serenity Prayer. This living philosophy will give me a secure foundation of faith.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI,
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC]

October 15th

2007-10-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

One day at a school where young children attended, it was recognized that the students gravitated to one area of the playground for recess. Finally a fence was erected as a border around the field for play. Then, and because of this, every time the bell rang, children would pour out for recess to all regions of the field, - the field the children once occupied only partly.

The same is true of the children we parent. Yes, some of our kids are easy to raise. But others, well, they make themselves out to be quite a challenge!

But here is a truth, a psychology if you will, that is so easy to go by unnoticed. The more a kid struggles against you, to that extent and to that extreme extent, that young one is afraid on the inside and wants you to win them over with strength, love, patience and truth.

Its like the playground at the schoolhouse analogy. Once the children knew where to go, once the boundaries were built and put in place, they went where they were told to go and did so freely joyfully!

But let's be clear, when it comes to children acting-out, using drugs, and defying you in a host of ways, as a parent, you will have to be strong, loving, patient and never give up on speaking the truth. Then, and only then, strange as it may seem, the more your son or daughter resists you, the more he or she kicks and screams in their hatred, to that extent your young desires you not to stop! (A strange paradox, isn't it!!!)

The other day I sang by his request at a young man's wedding. In all my years of working with children, no young person ever hated me more than this guy! Years later though, because I was strong, consistent and right in my team-effort with parents to hold him accountable, the teen grew up to be a husband and father, with a sacred respect for me as his one time counselor and friend.

I've seen this many times. Not only with myself, but with a great number of parents who persevered until they found love and respect in the eyes of their one time rebellious children. I mean, young men and women thanking us later for believing in them and not giving up!

You can do the same. I'm convinced of this.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

October 14th

2007-10-13T22:03:00.000-07:00

Things are different now than they were 50 or 60 years ago. Back then, relatives lived near each other. Uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents were communities in city and country. Everybody knew one another. Everyone was family, and elders were respected without question. Because of this, when someones kid got out of hand and into trouble, the neighborhood of relatives backed each other, speaking for the kid's parents, or standing in the gap in their stead.

Now we're divided. - Parents, and sometimes a single dad or a single mom, is left to figure out the complexities of children these days, - alone, in a house with blinds closed and no witnesses.

Something is lost in today's individualism. Too often moms and dads stand as islands against angry behavior of children. Yes, there are accounts of parents abusing children, and this is sad, it is wrong, - but what of the events of children abusing moms and dads? A growing phenomenon in our time. Nagging, picking, verbally abusing and ungrateful!!! Cursing, demanding their way, and locking themselves in their rooms if they don't get what they want! ... Children who have everything, yet demand more and more. ... Never satisfied. Arrogant.

More parents than we wish to admit, in city after city, undergo torment from offspring they love deeply. When the problem of parents being abused by kids is discussed, its usually to conclude there's something wrong with the parents. The wrong behavior of children is called "A cry for help!"

But what of cases where this is not true? Fathers and mothers who are responsible people; own businesses, work hard, pay bills and keep food on the table? What if there is something wrong with "society" instead, that divides, conquers and analyses! What if many parents in this situation are normal; - only they are reacting in ways normal people do. Having their hearts ripped out inside them, and being blamed as the reason for it happening!

Maybe the old-timers had it right. Could it be with all our talk, and effort to change what has worked for centuries, we now "miss the forest for the trees?" ... Could it be that it was never meant that a parent should raise a child alone? ... Does it not make sense that when a dad or a mom tells a son or daughter what to do or not do, it is most effective for others who are adults to rise up and say, "Child, young one, listen to your parents, they love you, and they know what they're talking about for your own personal wellbeing!"

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

October 13th

2007-10-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel you're not a good parent? ... Do you find yourself looking at your child sometimes, and wonder where have you gone wrong? Do you sometimes conclude in your thinking that your kid's misbehavior and sometimes defiance is your fault? "Maybe I've been too hard on him," you reason with yourself. Or, "Possibly I've not been hard enough!"

The point in this reading today is, "Begin where you are in this moment, regardless of what has happened before. God has not only given you your child to parent, but He also gives you what you need, moment-by-moment, so that you "can" parent your child.

Without forgiveness as a cool soothing cream to apply gently on ourselves, there is no way we can parent our children effectively in the manner we must.

Did a while ago anger, doubt, fear or impatience surge from your lips in the heat of a moment? Then welcome the next moment. It is new. The one you are in now. View it as an opportunity to be what you can be then. Take into yourself the love, patience and forgiveness God gives you from Himself. Remember, He is a Parent too. Knowing this, you can pass this love, patience and forgiveness to your son or daughter afresh and anew.

Forgive yourself. You "are" a good enough parent. Don't let unnecessary guilt take your strength away.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

October 12th

2007-10-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)

Is this statement from the Bible true? Based on what we see today, it is easy to believe that this well known and much studied verse is out of date, insignificant, and has entirely lost its influence.

Let me tell you now, this profound psychological principal embedded in scripture, remains valid today. It is more true today than perhaps ever before.

Then why are we losing confidence in this ancient proverb? For what reason have we "lost touch" with this vital principle, as we as well-meaning parents, search for ways to raise our children?

It is because, in many families, it is the "children" who are training "parents" in how "they", the children, wish to be raised!

A child can "turn-the-tables" on his or her parents. A mom and a dad can "think" they are parenting when they're not! A child can "parent the parents" on how to parent. All this, remarkably, while the child, not even for a second, assumes no responsibility to respect the needs and wishes of others.

There are many ways this is accomplished in homes. For now let me ask you, do you ever become "weary" of the fight? Do you ever just "give-in" to the demands of your son or daughter, just so there can be some "peace" at the end of the day? Then your child, regardless of age or weight beyond infancy, is using "shere fatigue", your fatigue, to train you in how he (or she) will be parented.

There are many other tricks used against parents to rob you of your empowerment as a parent. Not only from children, but also from the society we live in. ... More on this later. ...

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT

October 11th

2007-10-10T14:08:00.001-07:00

In the "Parent Team Intervention Program" we believe that when a kid shows basic respect and honor to his parents or guardians, he or she is "protected" under that parental "umbrella of authority." One example of this is when a child continues angry defiance against parents, that child is left to depend upon his or her own "reasoning" to "make sense of the world."

All adults understand how confusing matters of the world can be. Think of how that is like for s newly maturing mind of a child or teenager. Because of this, when a son or daughter gives basic respect to the thoughts and feelings of his or her parents, that child can trust that the adults in charge in the family know best what decisions and actions are best for the problems in the world. Then, for the periods of childhood and adolescence, the young one has the luxury and safety to not "worry" about such complicated and profound matters. Instead he or she need only experience childhood and adolescence with all its enjoyments and opportunities as they happen daily towards personal growth.

"What about the war in Iraq," ... "World hunger", ... "Who will be our country's next president, and what will happen when that president is elected?" A child who has reasonable respect for mom and dad need not worry about such matters, for he or she knows decisions of this kind can be trusted to the more experienced intellects of father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, teacher, principal, pastor or priest.

Basically, if a child thinks his parents are "stupid", then that child's mind has no alternative but to default to solving major problems in life "alone" intellectually, before he has acquired coping skills to do so. This subtle, but stressful, mental experience is enough to drive any kid to anger, depression, drugs, fighting, arguing, defiance and many other bad decisions and behaviors.

Let's return to realizing the great honor of being a parent in our childrens' lives. And if they defy our healthy judgment, may we remember the valuable, God-given position we occupy.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
(Supervised by Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT)

October 10th

2007-10-09T23:15:00.000-07:00

The role of victim is all too familiar to many of us. We've done the act, and we've done it well! Yes, we've been treated unjustly, - or we've thought we have. As a result, we have passively waited for circumstances to change. This we've done with the bottle, with the pills, or by blaming others for what has been our feelings and attitudes. Nothing was our fault. We were willing participants to victimization. This is not easy to accept, but is true nonetheless.

Now we choose to not be victims. Victims make bullies. Victims make bullies the kind of bullies victims want them to be. ... A bully will move from room to room. As he does so, that bully becomes the kind of bully each room full of victims want him to be. - Then who makes who?

Depression, and remaining helpless, may be what we think about often, but they need not become our state of mind. The answer is, and always will be, responsible action in taking management of our lives and what we expect from others.

Today stretches before me an unknown quantity. Concerns will crowd upon me, but guidance regarding the best action to take, one moment at a time, is within my power by the grace of God.

[By Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI (Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MFT)]

October 9th

2007-10-08T22:46:00.000-07:00

Philosophers, clear back to the ancient Greeks, have always made much of the idea of correcting bad habits by daily practice of good ones. We cannot go on functioning as we have been, impulsively and automatically, if we hope to improve our lives.

If we really want peace of mind, the first thing we must know is that it does not depend on conditions "outside" us, but conditions that are "inside" us. An honest look at our own motives may show that we relish our martyrdom, or that we fear subconsciously that we deserve the pain we create.

When we find the causes of our distress and frustration, we can establish correcting habits to overcome them.

Today's Reminder
A program of self-recognition and self-change "reads easy", but "does hard." Many failures come from trying to do too much too fast, and from expecting results overnight. I will search out just one fault, one bad habit, and work to eliminate that one. As I observe the changes this effort brings about in my outside circumstances, I will find the courage to keep on changing myself for the better. This, in turn, will also influence for the better both my spouse and children.

"It is no easy thing for a principle to become a man's own, unless each day he maintain it and work it out in his life." (Epictetus)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

October 8th

2007-10-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

You can help yourself, no matter how great your burdens and troubles are. You might think: "Easy to say, but you don't know what "I'm" going through!"

Applying a little sensible realism to this, let me ask myself whether I'm not building up trifles into monstrosities that "seem" unbearable. Most of us do, at some time or other. We may magnify disagreements about money for instance. We expand minor slights into huge grievances. Without realizing it, we're looking for trouble and are ready to fasten onto little things that we could easily pass over if we really wanted our own peace of mind.

Today's Reminder
If I don't make big problems out of little ones, I can save myself much grief. Fighting for my "rights" often creates more difficulty than accepting less than I expect. If I really value my serenity, I will avoid making big issues out of small ones. Giving in, and letting go, becomes easier as I practice it, and it pays big dividends in my own inner satisfaction.

"Why are you troubled because things do not succeed with you according to your desire? Who is there who has all things according to his will? Neither I, nor you, nor any man upon earth."
(Thomas A'Kempis)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

October 7th

2007-10-06T12:19:00.000-07:00

We hear many warnings against harboring resentment. It is a rare person who does not yield to resentment when he or she feels wronged by someone. We can resent our fate, our bad luck, our lot in life.

No amount of self-discipline can heal us of resentment. Sometimes it seems the more we struggle against it, resentment gains its very strength from our struggle. Resentment sneaks up on us, surging like a dark sickness into the mind, plunging our emotions into turmoil.

We know it's destructive; we may earnestly want to free ourselves from it. What can we do?

First we think of our own personal good. Does it hurt the person we are resenting? Or does it hurt us? Then we reflect that this damaging combination of emotion and bad logic, comes from "not understanding its cause." Let's dissect it and find out what, inside us, gives resentment its overwhelming power.

Today's Reminder
I have no room for resentment in my life. I will not fight it with grim determination. Instead I will pull back from this impulse, "Easy does it", and give no place to resenting one day at a time in God's strength. ... The best antidote for resentment is the continual practice of gratitude."

"Nothing on earth consumes a man more completely than the passion of resentment." (Friedrick Nietzsche)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

October 6th

2007-10-06T00:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we each can appear that we have our thoughts, our emotions, our "lives" in order. But it can happen that others can see rather quickly that this smugness can be only "skin deep." The test is when we are crossed, disappointed or annoyed. The real untamed faults will then come through, and in our anger, we might not recognize the wrong in ourselves.

When we make only superficial changes in the way we cope in the world, and give only ardent lip service to what we learn, our progress is slow and our return to old ways are many. The regeneration we seek must involve true spiritual change. Change that must run deep, with each character flaw inside us replaced by a new and good quality.

Today's Reminder
I must be completely honest with myself in uncovering the faults which hamper my decisions, my behavior, and my spiritual growth. One by one, watchfully and painstakingly, I will replace them with constructive coping skills and attitudes.

"Men imagine they communicate their virtue - only by overt actions and words. They do not see that virtue, or its opposite, emits a breath at every moment."
(Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Self-Reliance")

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

October 5th

2007-10-04T09:23:00.000-07:00

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

When I say the Serenity Prayer over and over, I could fall into the habit of merely parroting the words without being aware of their meaning. If I "think" of the meaning of each phrase, my understanding will grow, and along with it, my capability to realize "the difference between what I can change and what I cannot."

The prayer states first that there are elements in my life which I have no power to change. That my serenity depends upon my accepting these elements, and that the more I fight them, the more they will torment me. "Courage to change the things I can" gives me unlimited freedom to work on those elements which are under my control, and of my utmost concern.

Today's Reminder
The Serenity Prayer suggests I ask God for "courage to change the ‘things' I can." The word is "things", not "people". True, there is much room for improvement in my life, but it can come only from changing my own attitudes and actions for the better.

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

October 4th

2007-10-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

I have only one person's guilt to carry. My own. If my spouse or child blames me for difficulties they are going through, I will not accept that blame, but I will not defend myself either, for that would only start fruitless battle. I know my spouse or child needs to blame me because of a painful need to unload remorse on someone else. My remembering this should generate only compassion for them in me, not resentment and anger."

Someone else may respond: "I wish I could believe that! When my family member gets through telling me off, I feel as though the devil were sitting on my back with fifty pound lead weight in each pocket!"

Today's Reminder
There is no need for me to accept blame for another person's irrational actions. I will deal with my own shortcomings. If I do this honestly, the change in me will be reflected in every person whose life touches mine.

"Let me weigh my misdeeds on an honest scale and make restitution as well as I can. But let not the scale be unbalanced by the weight of what others have done."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

October 3rd

2007-10-01T23:16:00.000-07:00

When my spirit is in turmoil and my troubled thoughts race around and around, and I try to "reason myself" out of this frame of mind, it may be well to "stop reasoning" and hold fast to an idea that speaks of quietness and peace. That is: "Keep it simple and live with faith in the moment."

Probably there is nothing I can do now, this minute, this hour, this day, to solve the problem that is gnawing at my peace of mind. Then to what purpose do I torment myself?

I will stop depending solely on my own reasoning to solve things that are too great for me. I will not rehash, over and over, thoughts so bitter that they can make me feel physically ill in doing so. I will empty my mind of all this perplexity, and hold to just one simple thought, while I wait for God's guidance.

Today's Reminder
The things that trouble me are often too complex to yield to human reasoning. Indeed their reality may only be a creation of my confused thoughts. When I reach such an impasse, and I remind myself to "Keep it simple and live with faith in the moment." I know then I will find myself restored to composure.

"Under the shadow of Thy wing shall be my refuge until this tyranny pass." (Book of Common Prayer)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

October 2nd

2007-10-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

Wanting to know why my spouse or children do the things they do, is "an itch for which there is no scratch!"

Some of us never get over trying to "figure things out." Sometimes, left to ourselves, we will absolutely "think-things-to-death!" Some how we believe, if we can only put our index finger precisely on the one reason for our family's immature behavior, the problem of that behavior will simply vanish away.

What is important, however, and within our God-given powers to figure out, is what "we" are doing that confuses and complicates life. When we discover this, and do something to change it, what will vanish will be a good number of "our own" troubles.

Today's Reminder
May I be the kind of husband or wife I need to be to my spouse. I wish to find what is good in others, and be quick to acknowledge it. May God help me to truly be a parent to my children, for my children will never have another father or mother but me. I will both love my children, yet see that they will experience, completely, the consequences of their own poor decision-making. This, and God's grace, will be sufficient to help them mature into healthy adults. In addition, I will refrain from burdening my family with unaswerable questions like "Why do you do the things you do!!!"

"Leave off that excessive desire of knowing; therein is found much distraction. There are many things the knowledge of which is of little or no profit to the soul."
(Thomas A'Kempis)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

October 1st

2007-09-30T17:02:00.000-07:00

Few of us are entirely free from a sense of guilt. We may be remorseful because of our words or actions or for things left undone. We may even feel guilty because of irrational or false accusations by someone acting selfishly in our family.

Yet, when I am troubled by a feeling of guilt, I cannot put into my day all I am capable of doing. I must rid myself of this guilt, not by pushing it inside, but by identifying the reason for it, and correcting the cause.

Free of this weight, I can put my all into my day's work and spiritual growth. Then I will have something worthwhile to give others, instead of concentrating on my own frustrations.

Today's Reminder
I will refuse to be troubled by an uneasy sense of guilt. I will track my feelings of guilt to its source, then make good any harm I have done. I will be most careful not to whitewash such feelings with self-justification and self-righteousness. That would only hamper everything I am trying to accomplish for the good of myself and others

"Keep yourself first in peace and then you will be able to bring others to peace. Have, therefore, a zeal in the first place over yourself ...".

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue MA, MFTI]

September 30th

2007-09-30T10:25:00.001-07:00

Once there was a man whose beloved wife was transformed from the charming girl he had married into a sodden drunkard.

He was always angry and frustrated because he couldn't make her stop drinking. The more he tried, the worse she felt about it, thus, the more she drank. She was full of guilt and self-reproach because she left everything to him. He had to get the children ready for school, do the shopping, cook meals and clean house.

Then one day somebody told him about Al-Anon and other groups that give support in intervention. Although he felt his case was hopeless, he thought he'd try it anyway. As he read, asked question, and listened at meetings, he found he could get some perspective on his problems.

He stopped blaming himself for not being able to control his wife. He realized the children resented him because he was often cross and unreasonable, and that they loved their mama because she never scolded and they knew instinctively she was sick.

The husband and father began to consider his own needs for rest, quiet, and a bit of recreation. He arranged to have a housekeeper take over the home chores. He made many changes, but especially in his attitude toward his alcoholic wife.

After a spell of rebellion and resistance, she saw that she would have to get help.

(Note: This story, in all its aspects, has absolute relevance to how we respond in a healthy way to all dysfunctional family members in the Parent Team Intervention Program.)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Dat At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 29th

2007-09-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

The time I spend in reviewing the past, mourning over past mistakes and failures, is time lost. Our yesterdays have no importance except as experience in making today fruitful. ... Regrets and self-condemnation for what we did or left undone, only destroy the self-esteem we could derive from a "balanced" view of ourselves.

Today's Reminder
Regrets for hurtful things I have done to others may be healed by making amends as well as I can. Feeling bad for missed opportunities will vanish as I try to make wise choices today. Let me fill this one day with thoughts and actions that will lead me to have no need for regret. Let me undertake only as much as I can accomplish well, without haste or tension.

"Just for today, I will live through this one day only and not tackle all my problems at once. Those of the past need not concern me today; future problems can be faced at they arise."

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
(Book of Matthew)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 28th

2007-09-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the first thing we start looking for is how to get our spouse or children to change. The change we want, of course, is from "bad" behavior to "good" behavior, from "bad" decisions to "good" decisions. Another problem, however, is we want the change to happen "NOW!"

Certainly we want members of our family to create "coping skills" in addressing relationships and challenges in life appropriately. Obviously, when it is applicable, we wish for them to not rely on mood-altering substances as alcohol and illegal use of drugs. But if we "force" such change in our own anger and frustration, then we "rob" our loved one of the opportunity and integrity to "own" and "experience" that change on behalf of their own volition and effort.

Our responsibility is to love, forgive, but also absolutely not "Rescue" the loved one from experiencing the full blunt of his or her consequences. Actually, it must not matter to you which way they decide. Only then, will that one be free to look square in the face of what he or she is doing to cause those consequences.

Today's Reminder
I know I love my family, but from now on I will remember that true love is not insisting that another change and mature based on when "I" think they should. The only growth I have ever experienced, has always been in the midst of receiving some element of patience and forgiveness from both some person, as well as from God.

"Lord, help me trust that there is something in my loved one that wants to change, and let me remember that You are great enough to facilitate that change."

[Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 27th

2007-09-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

A person once said, "I tried to manage my husband's life, although not even able to manage my own. I wanted to get inside his brain and turn the screws in what I thought was the right direction. It took me a long time to realize that this was not my job. I just wasn't equipped for it. None of us are. So I began to turn the screws "in my own head" in the right direction. This has taught me a little more about managing my own life."

How this applies to being a parent is, you must be a parent who teachs your children accountability and responsible by their experiencing reasonable and certain consequences for poor decisions. This includes stopping the habit of asking them in frustration "why" they do the things they do.

Today's Reminder
If my life feels like it's becoming unmanageable, how can I get control? Am I being forced into doing things I don't want to do? If so, this will result in my losing my temper, contriving, conniving and scheming to make things work out the way I want them. My spouse and children will change and grow to higher levels of maturity, but possibly not at the precise moment I wish them too!

An honest effort to manage my own life will open many doors to me that my distorted thinking had kept closed.

"If you cannot make yourself such a one as you wish to be, how can you expect to change another to what you wish them to be?"
(Thomas A'Kempis)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 26th

2007-09-25T22:40:00.000-07:00

The great danger of allowing resentment in our minds and hearts is that it often leads to retaliation. We feel justified in "evening up the score" and "paying others back" for what they have done to us.

But how can I logically punish someone for what he or she did to me when I cannot fathom the motives of another person? Maybe the hurt was not intended. Possibly I am over-sensitive. Either way, the behavior is the other person's and not mine. It is said that we remedy our wrongs of the past by overlooking the wrongs of others in the present. Only then, when we are right, can we continue to hold truth in the right way.

Today's Reminder
When I make my decisions to act in response to others, it is vital that I do so absent out-of-control frustration and anger. The occasion of judgment is for God alone. "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord." Therefore any attempt at retaliation for an injury can only produce poor circumstances for me.

"In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments. There are only consequences." (Robert G. Ingersoll)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 25th

2007-09-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

Someone once said, "The hardest thing for me to learn is to stop imagining that I can figure out why my spouse or children act the way they do. I catch myself automatically jumping to conclusions about their motives. I know in my heart that I can't read their minds, and that whatever I believe they are thinkingis all wrong. Even at their worst moments, the times when I'm exasperated to the point of fury, how can I know what each member of my family really wishes to do if they only knew how?"

Nobody but God understands what goes on inside another human being. Let's not try to "play God" to our troubled family when those in our family are hurt, confused and even angry. Let's not examine them as we would a bug under a microscope. I always want to remember that every human being must be respected for his or her own individuality, no matter how battered their sense of self might be at times.

Today's Reminder
I will, today and from now on, examine my own role in all my confusion and despair. If I do this honestly, I will come to realize that I am not blameless, that there is much to be changed in me.

"How can another think the way I think, or do just what I would do?
(I will remember, day by day, ‘My love, I am not you!')"

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 24th

2007-09-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

We can get unlimited benefits from changing our way of thinking, changing the way we cast blame and argue. Indeed this is not an easy task. Actually, there is nothing more difficult in life.

"May we no longer blame others." ... This one idea could be explored and meditated from now until the end of our days. What would happen if we did this? We would experience miracles of tolerance and grace. Rich spiritual rewards, reflected in a life of real fulfillment.

Today's Reminder
I will purpose to no longer preoccupy my mind with blaming thoughts of others. How can I know what another is going through in his or her struggle with ever-present escapes? How can I know of another's efforts to improve? I will not blame the other person. I will not blame anyone. I will not blame myself.

"Who is to blame? Whom have I the right to blame? Let me concentrate on keeping my own conduct from being at fault. I cannot do more than this."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 23rd

2007-09-21T11:21:00.000-07:00

One of our delusions is that we, as spouses and parents, in a secret state of resentment, "run the show." This form of self-deception can only increase our frustrations, as well as the frustrations of our families. It makes the home a battleground in which our family members who are truly wrong in their behaviors, have the best chance of winning every encounter in ways that are unhealthy. We are often outwitted by lightening changes of mood, false promises, challenges to our statements and manipulations. This is the best reason for detaching our minds and our emotions from the minute-by-minute conflict, and seeking a peaceful, orderly way of life within ourselves.

If we stop fighting every incident that happens, absence of an active adversary is bound to bring about wholesome changes in the home environment and everyone in it.

Today's Reminder
I will not try to outwit or outmaneuver anyone else, but will proceed quietly to live my life so I will have less reason for self-reproach. I will withdraw my mind from what others do, and think of what I am doing. I will not "react" to challenging words and actions.

"When you are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger."
(Epictetus)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 22nd

2007-09-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

When I concentrate on little things that annoy me, and they sprout resentments that grow bigger and bigger, I seem to forget how I could be "stretching" my world and broadening my perspective. That's the way to shrink troubles down to their real size.

Worrying about trifles saps my spiritual energy which I could certainly put to better use. Am I willing to waste my life in this way?

When something or somebody is giving me trouble, let me see the incident "in relation to the rest of my life", especially the part that is good, and for which I should be grateful. A wider view of my circumstances will make me better able to deal with all difficulties, big and small.

Today's Reminder
I refuse to let my serenity be drowned out by happenings that are in themselves unimportant. I will not be made uneasy by what others do, whether they intend to hurt me or not. I will not clutter up my thoughts with resentment. Doing so would not profit me, but worse, only hurt me in the end.

"Why do we accept things that trouble us, when we could do something about them, sometimes even with surprising ease?"

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationship by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 21st

2007-09-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

What is the greatest hindrance to my achieving peace of mind? "DETERMINATION" - The grim resolve that I can actually "do something" about "anything", or sometimes "everything." This whole feeling of tightening up, preparing for battle, can defeat my real purposes in my relationships in my family and with my friends. Over and over I learn I must learn to "let go." It will do nothing constructive for me if I retaliate for injuries I suffer. I am not empowered by God to "even up" scores and make others "pay for what they've done to me." I will learn to relax my stubborn grip on all the details of my sufferings and allow the solutions to unfold by themselves.

Today's Reminder
I am only a small cog in all that goes on in the world. My trying to run things the way I insist is doomed to fail. Peace of mind comes in not controlling things that happen around me with my own sheer will. Only then will I have time to count the blessings I can be thankful for, as well as work on my shortcomings while enjoying each moment as it comes.

"What hurt could it do thee if thou wouldst let it pass and make no account of it? Could it even so much as pluck one hair from thy head?"
(Thomas A'Kempis)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 20th

2007-09-19T21:51:00.000-07:00

If irrational and irresponsible behavior on the part of a spouse or child has betrayed us into assuming an attitude of contempt, some serious examination of ourselves is in order.

Our family members are not "terrible people" with no sensitivity or good inside them. Troubling behavior may signal sick, confused and guilt-ridden human beings with badly battered egos.

God has given no one the right to humiliate another. In every one of His children there are qualities that should command our respect, and to withhold it is a wrong that will return to wound us.

Today's Reminder
It is vital to my serenity to separate in my mind the confused behavior from the person who suffers from it. I will dignify him or her with the respect which is everyone's due. This, in turn, will give my family the self-esteem that each deserves, and assist each to the best extent to make good decisions and act in ways that are appropriate.

"The surest plan to make a ‘man' a ‘man' is; ‘Think him so.'"

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Alanon
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 19th

2007-09-18T21:29:00.000-07:00

I have much more to be grateful for than I realize. Too often I don't remember to give thought to all the things in my life that I could enjoy and appreciate.

Perhaps I don't take time for this important meditation because I'm too preoccupied with my woes. I allow my mind to keep filled with grievances, and the more I think of them, the bigger they loom. Instead of surrendering to God and His goodness, I let myself be controlled by the negative thinking into which my thoughts are apt to stray unless I guide them firmly into brighter paths.

Today's Reminder
A period of meditation, every day, is necessary to emotional and spiritual development. If I meditate on what is good in my life, it will increase day by day and crowd out the self-pity and resentment over what I lack and what is hurting me. Suddenly I will find myself able to use God's help in managing my life in order and serenity.

"God has given us the faculties by which we are able to bear what comes to pass without being crushed or depressed thereby. Why then do we sit and moan and groan, blind to the Giver, making no acknowledgment to Him, but giving ourselves to complaints?" (Epictetus)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 18th

2007-09-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

Many of us become preoccupied with changing others in our family. However, what about when the first hint of change begins to happen in our family member, are we "ready" for this change? The point is, we have ourselves to change, and, by good fortune, the changes we make can so improve the environment we live in.

We may think our problems are solved once our child develops vital coping skills, a good attitude and so on. We might believe our lives will be happy when our spouse stops some annoying habit. Yet, interestingly, this is seldom the case.

Today's Reminder
Emotional disturbance is one cause for poor decisions and misbehavior of those we live with. I will remember that when I am "right" in a matter, I will be right the "right way." If I am right the "wrong way", then my wrong is a greater wrong than the one I am criticizing.

"God, you are my strength. Give me this strength at times when I need it."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 17th

2007-09-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

Have I the courage to face up to the problems that are happening in my family? Can I believe that my situation is "not" really hopeless, and that I am capable of improving it? Can I keep myself cheerful when everything seems to be leading me to despair?

The answers "could" be YES, if, regardless of the circumstances, I refuse to feel guilty when exercising my proper role as spouse and parent. Also, I can overcome my hopelessness by opening my eyes to the troubles other people live with, so often much worse than mine. I can bring myself to a brighter view of life if I avoid the habit of feeling sorry for myself. (Despair is often a mask for self-pity.)

Today's Reminder
I will practice three things each day:
1) I will stop enabling (or being a crutch) to the family member who is being a problem.
2) I will not let myself concentrate on things in the most negative way possible.
3) I will remind myself that self-respect can relieve me of the need for pity.

"... in quietness and in confidence shall be our strength. ..."
(Book of Common Prayer)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 16th

2007-09-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

Having lived through more trouble than we felt we deserved, some of us turned our backs on God, determined to go our own way under our own power. This is like a child who walks into a dark room and refuses to turn on the light. When he stumbles and hurts himself, is the darkness to blame? If we are going somewhere, and we reject the power of a train or a car to take us there, whose fault is it that our arrival is so long delayed?

When we are faced with the perplexities of our relationships with our spouse and children, and try to deal with those perplexities on our own, we are stubbornly refusing the help that could be ours in a Parent Team meeting, as well as others in our support network. Whose fault is it, then, when things get worse instead of better?

Today's Reminder
When I am confronted with a problem, I will calmly search out the most intelligent means of solving it. I will use the means that have helped so many others with problems like mine. The Parent Team program, and these readings, will be my daily guide, leading me out of confusion into peacefulness.

"Unless I love my martyrdom and cling to it, I need not be alone in freeing myself from whatever troubles me."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anln"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 15th

2007-09-14T12:31:00.000-07:00

A good way to "get out from under" some of our daily problems is to stop "reacting" to everything that occurs. Some of us have a constant drive to do "something" about everything that someone says to us.

There is a time to act, of course. But the action should be based on careful thinking out of the factors. It should not be triggered by every wind that blows. When something displeases us, it isn't a threat to our lives, our safety, or anything important. If we keep it in perspective, it will help us to "let it go."

Today's Reminder
I will try to overcome my tendency to react to what people say or do. I can't know why they do it, because I cannot understand their inner unhappiness and compulsions, any more than they can understand mine. When I "react", I put the control of my peace of mind in the hands of others. My serenity is under "my" control, and I will not relinquish it for trivial occurrences.

"I pray for the tolerance and the wisdom to avoid reacting to what other people say and do."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 14th

2007-09-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

When greatly harming quarrels take place in the home, members of the family fail to realize that their intense involvement with each other can destroy what should be sacred relationships. With those who are closest to us, we are most apt to forget the consideration we owe to one another. Yet, in our counseling, assignments, and the Parent Team meetings we attend, we learn that we can set a new tone in the home by such a simple thing as courtesy, - a consistent, gentle courtesy, to every member of the family, including the littlest one.

Today's Reminder
A quiet, composed response to an enraged attack can "take-the-wind-out-of-the-sails" of the attacker like so much magic. What can I possibly lose by trying it? At least it will add to my own dignity and stature to say nothing I will later regret.

"Of Courtesy: it is much less
Than courage of heart or holiness.
Yet in my walks it seems to me
That the grace of God is in Courtesy."
(Hilaire Belloc: "Courtesy")

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 13th

2007-09-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a family who lived in a beautiful house. The family had lots of the material things that many people think are important for contentment. The family, however, was not contented. With one misunderstanding and another, the situation grew worse and worse. Nobody would give way an inch in their bitter arguments, until at last the family's love turned to hate. Finally certain ones in the family insisted that inside the house they would build brick walls to divide other family members. Each went his and her own way, and each never spoke to the others again as long as they lived. The family had many wretched years in their isolation.

Today's Reminder
Am I unknowingly building walls between myself and the people in my family? Are the walls being made of stubbornness, self-will, self-righteousness and a desire to punish? Such walls can be as hard and unyielding as though they were made of real bricks. It would leave me no space in which to grow.

"God grant me the wisdom to recognize the faults I am building into walls, such walls as cannot be penetrated even by love."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 12th

2007-09-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

When friends, neighbors or relatives undertake to give advice it is important to remember that it should be limited to "helping in terms of spiritual growth." There is danger in going beyond this and advising "action to be taken." None of us have the right to do this.

Sometimes a frustrated neurotic gives advice that stirs up hostility between a man and wife. He or she may make the situation much worse by justifying the husband's or wife's resentment. Promoting such resentments can have serious consequences. So, too, can urging one or the other to "stand-up-for-your-rights" or "not-to-allow-this-or that!" The unhealthy "helper", this way, receives unconscious satisfaction from managing other people's lives, while thinking his or her intentions are only good.

Today's Reminder
Heaven protect me from my good friends, who, with only the best intentions, keep the wounds of my resentment open, weaken me by their pity, and justify my complaints. In the name of doing good, they can hamper my restoring a tolerant and loving relationship with my family.

"We must not be easy in giving credit to every word and suggestion, but carefully and leisurely weigh the matter according to God." (Thomas A'Kempis)

(Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI)

September 11th

2007-09-10T00:11:00.000-07:00

Occasionally in discussions I hear talk of grievances and fights between family members. It can be descriptions of arguments with spouses as well as with kids. One person put it like this: "I've often wondered when I start a battle in my home, how I'd feel if somebody were recording what I was saying, and the tone of voice I was using to say it. I'd be screeching and shouting. I'd bring up all my weapons of sarcasm and lash out." ... "Wouldn't I feel pretty cheap if I could ‘hear myself' being played back?" ... "Wouldn't it give me some idea of my part in my family's problems!"

Note that the word "sarcasm" comes from the Greek for "tearing of flesh."

Please, please, let us "listen to ourselves" and see if it doesn't help us cool off!"

Today's Reminder
I will from now on take note of how disagreements start in my home. If I am the instigator, this is the first thing I will try to correct in myself. If I am challenged by an angry person, I will respond quietly or not at all.

"A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger." (Proverbs)

September 10th

2007-09-10T00:02:00.000-07:00

Again I ask myself the same question as yesterday. "What am I doing with what I have?" This question can be applied in many ways. Take for instance the ability to remember. If I have been given the gift of a good, clear memory, how do I use it?

It isn't likely that God conferred this gift on me for the purpose of dredging up old wrongs, injured feelings, futile regrets and personal sufferings. That would clearly be a misuse of this gift He gave me, when I have so many pleasant and satisfying things to remember!

Today's Reminder
What am I doing with this precious ability to recall what happened in the past? If I use it to remember enjoyments and interesting experiences, it will give me a saving perspective on the problems I am encountering in each moment when each moment happens. I can also use the gift of memory for storing up today's blessings to give me strength and insight for challenges that will come in the future.

"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things." (Philippians)

September 9th

2007-09-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

Here's an eye-opening, mind-opening question to ask myself: "What am I doing with what I've got?" ... Instead of crying over what I don't have, and wishing my life were different, "what am I doing with what I've got?"

Am I sure I'm doing everything possible to make my life a success? Am I using my capabilities well, to help others who also have needs? Do I recognize and appreciate all I have to be grateful for?

Actually, I am the possessor of unlimited resources that have been given to me. The more I do with them, the more they will grow, to overshadow and cancel out the difficult and painful aspects that now get so much of my attention.

Today's Reminder
Isn't my life full of potential good that I'm not using? Couldn't I bring it to fruition by changing my attitude? As a beginning, I will apply liberal amounts of gratitude for even my littlest advantages and pleasures. When I build on this precious foundation of present, tangible good, things will continue to change for the better.

"God give me power within me to be grateful for all the good things I have been taking for granted."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 8th

2007-09-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

We who have chosen our life partners from the ranks of people who have suffered abuse and acted in ways that are harmful in their lives, often feel our lives in turn are especially difficult and complicated. Often our situations are further complicated with children who are unruly as well. We come to believe, quite mistakenly, that we're the only people in the world with real trouble! Let us recognize that the one doing wrong in our lives, be it a husband, a wife or a child, is, in that behavior, insecure, lonely, and often too sensitive to life's realities. - Usually he or she has many endearing qualities to appreciate. Indeed, many of us wouldn't want to exchange these, our family members, for a less interesting person in their place!

Today's Reminder
In the counseling, teaching, videos and meetings I'm experiencing, I discover in myself the power to throw new light on a seemingly hopeless situation. I learn I must use what I am learning, not to "be better" than the people around me, but to use what I am learning to focus on overcoming my own distorted ideas and attitudes. If I can bring sunshine into my home, it cannot fail to positively affect those in it.

"God, help me to use the gifts You have given me. I want to use them to help others through making my own world better and brighter."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 7th

2007-09-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

We should not come to the Parent Team intervention and counseling meetings to look for pity. It never helps us to expect our counselor or fellow parent team members to assure us that our resentments are justified or that we ought to take aggressive action in the events of our lives.

Indeed, we learn to resist aggression from others by maintaining our dignity and poise. In short, what the program does for us, through professional counseling and the program's fellow parent participants, is to help us "change the way we look at our family problems." Recognizing more effectively how, "Every problem is an opportunity", and so on.)

If I complain about something another person has done in my family, I might receive constructive feedback as to what I can do in the future to both improve my own attitude, then respond in acts of wisdom in the roles I represent in my family.

Today's Reminder
Parent Team meetings can be inspiring, interesting, enlightening, and even fun. But they are also dedicated to the serious business of making me into a confident, spiritually-oriented adult human being. If that is what I want, I will listen with an open mind, accept suggestions and put to good use what I learn.

"I pray to let nothing stand in the way of my learning about myself. This how I will truly grow in the process. This will become the foundational means where by I can positively influence the ones that I love."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 6th

2007-09-05T22:02:00.000-07:00

Have I been trying to live the things I'm learning in the Parent Team counseling and intervention program? Then, among other things, I must surely be learning to overcome any tendency to control others - the directing, scheming and manipulating that can only result in my own defeat.

I will not interfere with the activities of my spouse, and will correctly assume a healthy parenting stance with my children. As I, they each must experience their own natural consequences for decisions they make each day. Within the roles of spouse and empowered parent, I will not dysfunctionally rescue nor nag to make my points in forms of manipulation to the ones I love.

Today's Reminder
Here is a vivid picture from the great novelist Tolstoy. It illustrates the kinds of situations we can sometimes create for ourselves:

"I sit on a man's back, choking him and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by all possible means - "except by getting off his back."

"Teach me to leave to others their inborn right to dignity and independence, as I wish to have them leave mine to me."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 5th

2007-09-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

I went to counseling and parent team meetings, as many of us do, with an overwhelming desire to pour out my troubles, to talk, talk, talk. It was like a dammed up river that suddenly burst its banks. And, although it gave me some relief, it left behind an emptiness, a certain dissatisfaction.

Then one day I realized why this was. When I talk all the time, nothing new is being added to me. I am using the same old destructive thought material that has kept me at a standstill for so long.

To absorb new ideas, I keep my lips closed and my ears open. I spend more of my time listening, as well as listening to audio assignments and watching videos that are recommended to me for assignments. I find all this gives me new perspectives on my problems, so that solutions come more easily.

Today's Reminder
The meetings I attend, and the assignments given to me, are a wellspring of helpful thoughts; if I don't listen to them, I will not receive the benefits that could greatly help me. Constant talking could deprive me of the help I am seeking.

"I pray to be reminded that the counseling and group meetings I attend can provide important gifts for me. I can receive them only by speaking reasonably regarding myself, then hold my peace and letting others talk."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time With Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI (2-10)]

September 4th

2007-09-03T15:39:00.000-07:00

As I uncover and face my own shortcomings, my many good qualities will be revealed to me, too, reminding me that they have the same reality as my faults. Let me appreciate them, for they not only "off-set" the faults, but give me a foundation on which to grow. If I recognize that I am kind, tolerant, generous, honest, patient - let me delight in these constructive qualities. They make it possible to accept myself as a friend; they are mighty allies in eliminating the shortcomings that are roadblocks to my serenity.

Today's Reminder
It is just as self-deceptive to discount what is good in us as to justify what is not. This is false humility, which is as hampering as arrogance! The purpose of examining our characters - with as much honesty and detachment as possible - is not to exaggerate guilt for what we lack, but to use the good to overcome the faults.

"Let me learn to understand myself first; that will occupy me so fully that I will have no time nor thought to analyze and criticize my spouse, my family and other people around me."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 3rd

2007-09-02T23:26:00.000-07:00

I should look to myself. What is it that "I’m" doing that creates difficulties for me or aggravates the ones that are close to me? Could it be that I’m trying to fix everything by finding fault with somebody else? In my readings I am encouraged to examine "my" impulses, motives, actions and words. This helps me to correct the causes of my own unease and not blame it on others.

Today’s Reminder
At first, the idea that we might be at fault isn’t easy to accept. We find it hard to believe that our behavior isn’t all it should be.

Once I overcome the habit of justifying everything I do, and make use of such tools as courtesy, tenderness and a warm interest in others, miracles will happen.

"If you cannot make yourself what you would like to be, how can you expect to have another person exactly to your wishes? We want to see others perfect, yet our own faults go unattended"
(Thomas A’Kempis)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Alinon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 2nd

2007-09-02T15:49:00.000-07:00

The time has come for me to realize that my attitude, toward the life I am living and the people in it, can have a tangible, measurable effect on what happens to me day by day. If I am expecting good, good will surely come to me. Even the grace of courtesy gives rich immediate rewards in warm response. Awareness of others - "a tolerant uncritical awareness" - will gradually change my personality for the better.

Today's Reminder
If I try each day to put my point of view and my attitudes on a sound spiritual basis, I know it will change all the circumstances of my life for the better also. I will see the results in the way other people respond to me and in the way my daily needs are met. Concern, love and kindness on my part will be reflected in everything that takes place in my life.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you." (The Gospel of Matthew)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

September 1st

2007-08-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

When our problems enclose us and saturate our thoughts, we find ourselves in an isolation that gives us an acute sense of loneliness. We may confide in friends, but underneath we feel nobody understands what we are going through.

Dwelling on our troubles only shuts out a world that is waiting to be enjoyed. Nothing has real power to deprive us of the delights to be found in many daily experiences - even a routine household or outside employment job duty. For those of us who have children in our care, we can forget our troubles in devoting loving attention to them and their development. Observing our children is like reading a fascinating and often amusing book!

Today's Reminder
I may have big troubles, but I can, if I wish, make those troubles less painful by turning my thoughts to happier things. I will not isolate myself in my problems. I will observe and enjoy what is good and pleasant in the world around me.

"Let me not deprive myself of the many little joys that are mine for the taking."

[Taken from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI

August 31

2007-08-30T13:50:00.000-07:00

"It's a nice day," people say when the weather's fine. One of the things taught in Al-Anon is that the kind of a day it is does not depend on the weather, but on our attitudes and reactions to what's happening.

We can make every day a nice day. Al-Anon's helpful leaflet "Just for Today" says it this way; "Just for Today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, keep my voice low, be courteous. I won't find fault." This is bound to brighten the day, for me and everybody I meet!

Today's Reminder
I will make up my mind to be cheerful every waking moment of this day. I will not expect too much; this will shield me from being annoyed at little things that don't go just the way I wanted them to. I will try to accomplish something specific, perhaps some chore I have long been putting off. I will wear a pleasant smile for everyone I meet today.

"What a comfortable feeling it gives me to realize that all I have to deal with is just this one day. It makes everything so much easier!"

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

Reading of Psalm 23 (Cute!!!)

2007-08-29T00:13:00.000-07:00

August 30th

2007-08-28T23:12:00.000-07:00

When a family situation becomes really desperate, and we think we just can't go on another day living in uncertainty, fear, deprivation and general misery, we may decide to take action. That's good. But "what" action? So much depends on taking the right course. Let me consider:

Is my present frame of mind, whether of anger, bitterness or confusion, one in which I can make a wise choice? Have I yielded too quickly to advice from friends, well-meant, but based on only limited knowledge of all the factors?

Today's Reminder
If I have come to the end of my rope, I have lived in this turmoil for a long time. Let me be patient a little longer while I weigh the alternatives. Will a radical change really work out better for me, for my children, and yes, for my spouse?

Before I make a decision, or take a step, I will double my efforts to apply the truths and principles I am learning in emotional growth and parenting. It could bring me to an entirely different, more constructive solution than the drastic ones I was considering.

"Make sure that the medicine you use is worse than the sickness you're trying to cure!"

August 29th

2007-08-28T22:54:00.000-07:00

How many of my frustrations and disappointments come from expecting too much! It is good to set our standards high, but only if we are prepared to accept, with comfortable serenity, results that fall short of what we expect.

We expect more of family, friends and coworkers, than they can sometimes deliver at their stages of emotional growth. At times we expect complete transformation, when it is we ourselves we should examine for transformation. In addition, and sometimes above all, we make too great demands on ourselves.

Today's Reminder
Let me learn to settle for less than I "wish" were possible, and be willing to accept it and appreciate it. I will not expect too much of anyone, not even of myself. Contentment comes from accepting gratefully the good that comes to us, and not from raging at life because it is not better. This wholesome attitude is by no means "resignation", but a realistic acceptance.

"What you have may seem small; you desire so much more. See children thrusting their hands into a narrow-necked jar, striving to pull out the sweets. If they fill the hand, they cannot pull it out and then they fall to tears. When they let go a few, they can draw out the rest. You, too, let your desire go; covet not to much ..." (Epictetus)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

August 28th

2007-08-26T22:54:00.001-07:00

We are told there can be no progress without humility. This idea is confusing to many at first, and it almost always encounters a stubborn resistance in us. "What!" we say, "am I supposed to be a submissive "slave" to my situation and accept everything that comes, however humiliating?" No. True humility does not mean meek surrender to an ugly, destructive way of life. It means surrender to God's will, which is quite a different thing. Humility prepares us for the realization of God's will for us; it shows us the benefits we gain from doing away with self-will. We finally understand how this self-will has actually contributed to our distress.

Today's Reminder
The attitude of true humility confers dignity and grace on us, and strengthens us to take intelligent spiritual action in solving our problems.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God . . . casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you. He giveth grace to the humble."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, 3-1]

August 27th

2007-08-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

An interesting exercise, and one well worth a few moments of reflection, would be to consider the exact meaning of the phrase "to take offense."

These words describe an act of willingly taking into ourselves a hurt we feel somebody intended to inflict on us. We "take" offense. We don't have to take it. We are free to refuse to be hurt by a spiteful remark, or malicious action.

So the whole matter really rests with us. The choice of accepting or rejecting an offense is ours alone.

Today's Reminder
It may not be easy at first, but if I keep reminding myself that I will not permit myself to be hurt by what anyone says or does, it can bring about an amazing change in my attitude and disposition.

Whenever I feel I am being hurt by someone, I will silently refuse to "take offense" or take any action to retaliate. What a relief it will be to have such incidents vanish into thin air, leaving not a mark on me! I will not "accept" offense.

"What can words do to me unless I take them to heart?"

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Alinon" for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

August 26th

2007-08-25T06:48:00.000-07:00

How often we think that the trials we have to face were caused by outside forces, by fate, by others by uncaring circumstances. We're only too ready to look outside ourselves for the reasons for our afflictions, when the real enemy is self-deception. We may be poor, deprived of the necessities of life, frustrated in the things we think we want to do. It is only too easy to blame all these things on our spouse or angry irresponsible children. Yet however difficult one or all of these people we love might make our lives, we could do a great deal to offset the damage of their actions by turning our examination and criticism on ourselves, and taking energetic steps to correct what we ourselves think and do.

Today's Reminder
I will examine my own attitudes and activities and face the fact that much of what I do - or leave undone - contributes to my distress. Like sometimes other people around me, I, too, have an unrecognized sense of guilt which I could overcome by correcting what I find wrong with me. My first job is to stop fooling myself, stop excusing my own shortcomings.

"If we say that we have no fault, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us." (1st Epistle of John)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Alinon" in the interest of family relationships, by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, (2-4)]

August 25th

2007-08-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

Have I ever accomplished anything good while my emotions were churning with hysteria? Am I aware that reacting on impulse - saying the first thing that pops into my head - defeats my own purposes? I couldn't lose by stopping to think: "Easy Does It". Wouldn't any crisis shrink to manageable size if I could wait a little while to figure out what is best to do? Unless I'm sure I'm pouring oil on troubled waters, and not on a raging fire, it might be best to do and say nothing until things calm down. "Easy Does It."

Today's Reminder
It may take a bit of self-control to back away from conflict and confusion. But it's wonderful protection for my peace of mind. Unless I can say or do something to quell the storm, I'll only be inflicting punishment on myself. And each little battle I win - "with myself" - makes the next one easier. It will all seem much less important tomorrow!

"Quietness is a great ally, my friend. As long as I keep my poise, I will do nothing to make bad matters worse."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Alinon". Specifically designed for parent-child relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, (8-25)]

August 24th

2007-08-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

This day I will concentrate on the inner meaning of the Commandment "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." I will accept myself, for that is the primary condition under which the good in me can grow. Unless I am at peace with the child of God I am, I cannot love and help my neighbor. Regrets are vain. They interfere with the good I could do today, the making of the better person I want to be tomorrow.

Today's Reminder
Condemning ourselves for mistakes we have made is just as bad as condemning others for theirs. We are not really equipped to make judgments, not even of ourselves.

"Today I pray for the wisdom to build a better tomorrow on the mistakes and experiences of yesterday."

[Taken and converted for purposes of parent and child relationships, from "One Day At A Time In Alinon" by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI)]

August 23rd

2007-08-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

It is good to learn with other parents that we can "let go" of the past. We "wish" we had done some things better in the past. We "wish" we had not said certain things at certain times to certain people under certain conditions. We all feel this way to some extent. Now we must look to the present, and do what we are learning we can do now. The rest we leave to God in His love and mercy. We must not put forth our "martyr-face". Perhaps I do this sometimes, and I must do all I can to change this.

Today's Reminder
Do I habitually wear my martyr-face to remind my spouse and children what are hard time they've given me? Or do I try to lift their spirits - already so depressed by guilt and confusion? Will I improve to be pleasant and positive, even when things aren't going my way? Am I afraid to let those around me know I do have reasons to be happy, or do I want others to feel sorry for me?

"... that thou art happy, thou owest to God; that thou continuest such, thou owest to thyself." (John Milton: "Paradise Lost")

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time" of Al-Anon" for the "Parent Team Intervention Program" by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, 8-23.]

August 22

2007-08-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

If a sharp thorn or a splinter pierces my hand, what do I do? I remove it as quickly as I can. Surely I wouldn't leave it there, hurting me, until it festers and sends its infection throughout my body.

Yet, what do I do with the thorns of resentment and hatred when "they" pierce my thoughts? Do I leave them there and watch them grow, while I suffer increasingly from the pain?

True, resentment and hatred are more difficult to pull out of our thoughts than the physical thorn from a finger, but so much depends upon it that I will do my best to eliminate them, before their poison can spread.

Today's Reminder
If I really do not want to be hurt, and if I am sure that self-pity isn't giving me a certain secret satisfaction, I will take all the steps necessary to free my mind from painful thoughts and emotions. The best way to do this is not by grimly exerting will power, but by replacing those hurting ideas with thoughts of love and gratitude.

"Thou has not half the power to do me harm, as I have to be hurt." (William Shakespeare: "Orthello")

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" for the
"Parent Team Intervention Program" by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, 8-22.]

Parent Team Readings

*December 7th* (with video)

*December 6th* (with video)

*December 4th* (with video)

*December 3rd* (with video)

*December 2nd* (with video)

*December 1st* (with video)

*November 30th* (with video)

*Should Parents Lie To Their Kids?*

*November 28th* (with video)

*November 27th* (with video)

*November 26th* (with video)

*November 25th* (with video)

*November 24th* (with video)

*November 23rd* (with video)

*November 22nd* (with video)

*November 21st* (with video)

*November 20th* (with video)

*November 19th* (with video)

*November 18th* (with video)

*November 17th* (with video)

*November 16th* (with video)

*November 15th* (with video)

*November 14* (with video)

*November 13th* (with video)

*November 12th* (with video)

*November 11th*

*November 10th*

*November 9th*

*November 8th*

*November 7th*

*November 6th*

*November 5th*

*November 4th*

*Stress Tip #3, "Steer Clear of Negative People"*

*Stress Tip #2, "Throw Something Away Every Day"*

*Stress Tip #1, "Do One Thing At A Time"*

*Stress Management (Part 3 of 3)*

*Stress Management (Part 2 of 3)*

*Stress Management (Part 1 of 3)

*November 3rd*

*November 2nd*

*November 1st*

*October 31st*

*October 16th*

*October 15th*

*October 14th*

*October 13th*

*October 12th*

*October 11th*

*October 10th*

*October 9th*

*October 8th*

*October 7th*

*October 6th*

*October 5th*

*October 4th*

*October 3rd*

*October 2nd*

*October 1st*

*September 30th*

*September 29th*

*September 28th*

*September 27th*

*September 26th*

*September 25th*

*September 24th*

*September 23rd*

*September 22nd*

*September 21st*

*September 20th*

*September 19th*

*September 18th*

*September 17th*

*September 16th*

*September 15th*

*September 14th*

*September 13th*

*September 12th*

*September 11th*